Bir Taneme (27 Eylül 1995)

Gerçekte olamaz ama

izleyebilsem seni keşke her attığın adımında,

zamanın acımasızlıklarını bir bir durdurabilsem,

“elveda” ya da “hoşçakal” hiç demesem sana.

Manasısın yaşamımın, aslı esasısın,

isterdim ki, o nur yüzün asla asılmasın.

Metin ol, her zaman, yürü kendi yolunda.

 

Çok, hem de pek çok seviyor seni bu ana.

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Sevgin (2006)

Tatmadım hiç böylesine bir his bugüne dek

şüphem yok, bu böyle sürüp gidecek

eksilmemiş uzun, çok uzun zamanlar boyu

yıllar bir bir eridikten sonra da devam edecek

 

Coşku, hüzün, sevinç, şüphe, özlem ve arzu

daha adı bulunmamış büyüleyici birçok duygu

bir rüyada, bir gözler açıkken her hücremi sarmalıyor

 

onu kaybetmek duyduğum en büyük korku

biliyorum, o da beni seviyor, hem de çok seviyor

ne farkeder beraberlik yoksa eğer

muhtaç değil iki tek ruh anlatılmasına sevginin

hatırlatılmasına o bitmez şefkat ve ilginin

bir yarım düşlerken diğer yarımı

vücut bulmasına yanında öbür yarımın.

Olamaz çünkü iki tenli bir ruh

kendine kendi nefesinden daha da yakın.

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Inspired by “TOMORROW’S COLLEGE” of “American Radio Works”

Seeking some new insight into the most current deliberations on college-level teaching – my profession that spans over thirty-three years, I find Rethinking the Way College Students Are Taught, a Tomorrow’s College article by Emily Hanford, the Education Correspondent of American RadioWorks.  I read it with laid-back interest.  No sign of excitement in me whatsoever.  No “Eureka” moment.  One that I had been hoping to live one of these days.  No further progress in sight.  For, I have already gone through the techniques and methodologies she accentuates in her reflection on her interviews with two physics professors, one from a state university, the other, from a Ivy League college: Don’t lecture; resort to technology in class; get students involved in their learning process, instead.  Besides, rethinking how to teach any of my Liberal Arts classes – all in German at the moment – has been a conscious act for me before every new semester.  I must keep looking, then.  Perhaps before retirement – still a far point of destination for me, I may invent the magical solution for all our ills at college-level instruction.  Regardless of the field of study.  And for students and non-students alike.

But first, I shall remain in the moment’s reality.

Hanford’s description of a “typical scene” for the onset of a class triggers in the brain the very vivid and very recent memory of my own experience: students are sleepy, chatty, laughing and finding their seats; or, they have found their seats and are sleepy, chatty and laughing.  “Class begins with a big ‘shhhh’ from the instructor,” she writes.  Mine is an “shhhh”-less alarm.  My entry into each classroom is of extra-cautious nature.  As a sign of my thankful welcome to their livelihood: if their energy level is high enough to chat with one another in laughter while being able to find seats to their sleep-deprived bodies, such behavior promises to me their active involvement in the upcoming subject matter (although, too often, the promise faces emptiness).  To signal we are starting regardless of their chatter and laughter, I resort to the German words of “hospital and library” in the same breath – two places where one must keep silent under universal understanding.

The “shhhh”-less alarm of mine works every time.  They look up, at me, most of them, smiling.  On my more patient days, I look around the classroom, with a slow and calm movement of my head with no frown in sight on my face, speaking no word.  My complete silence gets the attention.  But what happens, or what does not happen, after class begins, is wherein the dilemma lies.  To what extent does learning takes place in reality?  Such is the open-ended question.  Where the following comes in to play, however, is not: my alertness, willingness, readiness, creativity, innovativeness and enthusiasm to meet their need for a maximum learning outcome for each of them (that is, for whoever is receptive).

Hanford announces another well-known fact: “Research conducted over the past few decades shows it’s impossible for students to take in and process all the information presented during a typical lecture, and yet this is one of the primary ways college students are taught, particularly in introductory courses.  It’s a tradition going back thousands of years.”  As a personal trait, I refuse to follow traditions in the strict or lose sense at any rate.  I haven’t found much use in them.  My rejection of them gains on passion, when the core element of my extensive career, the precious teaching and learning exchange is concerned.  Each of my students is an individual and therefore, a learner with a vast variety of skills, comfort level, study habits, time management practice and response readiness and speed.  All of which characteristics are not a carbon-copy of their peers.  Each of them deserves to have exposure on a regular basis to task-based practices and assignments through which s/he – on an individual level – will have the opportunity to advance upon the proficiency toward the material taught.  Without having to face a confrontation with lectures that rely on standardizing all vital differences between each of the learners in that captive audience.  “DON’T LECTURE ME,” the article’s headline, is a plea I remember raising – however silently – to all my professors during my university studies.  The yellowed papers almost in no longer glueable pieces of one professor, in particular, still are notable in my temporal lobes today.  Along with his slow-motion efforts to read out of his writings – most likely beyond de-codable even to him – in order to copy whatever valuable information was left on them from those pitiful, ancient-old sources onto the one blackboard we had.  All the while expecting us to keep full silence and looking at us only to check if we were still taking notes.

With or without such eye-opening experiences, rethinking how I teach my college students is not a difficult undertaking for me.  I have gone through such contemplations so many times, implementing all that I had rethought as a result, learning and re-learning on behalf of my students.  I will do so again.  There is, however, a hit I have to take.  As Hanford concludes, “[c]hange is slow in the academy, and professors tend to be rewarded for focusing on their research, often at the expense of their teaching.”

I, for one, haven’t advanced upon the research component of my professional existence in years.  I won’t be advancing on that platform for years to come.  I have been teaching only.  Not because there has been any tangible reward in the academy.  There simply is no room for me to do justice to both areas.  For our current higher education construct does not yet allow a balance between the demands on time, energy and concentration commitment for teaching and research in any reasonable terms.  There, thus, had to be a sacrifice.  But, it wasn’t going to be my teaching. It still isn’t.

Please note: Cited links are also available in my site’s Blogroll list.

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bir kez daha: başlıksız bir şiir (19 Nisan 2006)

yanma kalbim, ne olursun, yanma

senin gibi sevemeyenlere

alışkanlıklarına hayat diyenlere

rahatlık adına mutluluktan vazgeçenlere

 

biliyorum, perişansın, içten yandın

yoluna git, ne olursun, sen ancak öyle varsın

 

durmaz, bilirim, iner ard arda o alev yaşlar

günün birinde ama bu acı da yavaşlar

sanma ki, için hep böyle kavlar

 

eş ruhun bildin, sevgiye özünü verdin

göz kamaştıran bir serapmış meğer

 

yanma kalbim, ne olursun, yanma

artık ne farkeder?

sen sevdin, biteviye sevdin, ölesiye sevdin

günün birinde bu yanık ta geçer.

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Changes

Welcome back, dear reader!  True: this Wednesday post is “Filed under ‘Sunday Reflections’.”  True: it is still only Wednesday.  The day of the week when I published a new post here, since the late night I created this blog site months ago.  Now, I have some changes for you (other than in the site’s immediate appearance):

As before, I will continue to meet with you weekly over a new writing but I will do so on the weekend instead of mid-week.  I hope you will like the timing as much as I.  In a hopeful attempt at easier navigation, the menu titles along with the posts in each have also undergone modification.  It is my weekly posts, however, that will reflect the major transformation.  While in the past they had consisted of my literary work at large, my non-literary writings will serve for their content from this Sunday on.  I look forward to your visit this weekend, and beyond when you may decide to stop by again.

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bir şiir, gene başlıksız (16 Nisan 2006)

sensiz gene özlem giyindim bugün

geceye neyseki var henüz biraz

uğraşıyla gün geçiyor bir şekilde

ama onun bitişi yok mu az be az…

 

yılmadan her gün aynı dirençle

ten umutlayıp ta kendini

bulmaya tek eşini

iki tek değil de

bulmuyor mu her seferinde bir tek teni…

 

yaşanmış bir şekilde seneler

birçoğu boş, dolu birazı

ya beş ya on belki de yirmi

hiç artakalan olmuşsa eğer

 

beden ruhun pek gerisinde

kopacak tümden yakın günün birinde

arzu etme edilme gücü

yitecek elbette iste ya da isteme

gün de bitmeyi beceremeyecek

gece hele hiç mi hiç geçemeyecek

 

sensiz gene özlem giyindim bugün

geceler hızla gelip gidiyor artık

tutunmaya gayretli anılar bile

o iki benliği ha terketti ha terkedecek

hiç sevmemiş, hiç te sevilmemiş gibi

sanki kalbimde kalbin asla atmamış gibi

gene sensiz bu yarım ruha

tekrar ve tekrar özlem yükleyecek

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“Orientals!” – Autobiographical Fiction, Part 1

Almost up to the time short before my mother’s death, our home in Doluca was often open to family gatherings of loving and caring exchanges, flavored with strong laughter and thorough enjoyment of delicious food and of each other’s company – young and old.  Even today, multiple decades later, I can almost taste the honey suspended in mid-air dripping over me – as if only over me but also embracing all those dear ones.  We were a large enough crowd then.  My mother’s side of the family alone.  My grandfather, step grandmother, great uncle, great aunt, both uncles, both aunts, my parents and my brother.  The members of the “prominent crowd.”  On special holidays, my grandfather’s sisters and their families from Istanbul would also join us.

Being the shy child, my brother would hardly ever get a chance to say much and therefore lose his chance for attention at almost all the gatherings.  I, on the other hand, was the singer, the dancer, the public speaker, the impersonator, and many other things for after meal times.  That is, until a certain age when my upper body began to change and showed it too.  For that entire awkward period, I wished and wished and wished some more for no one to notice me.  But, of course, attention was on me.  As the newest “girl” in the family.  Besides, my attention-hungry singing voice, my quite capable dancing feet, my eager speeches (or dramatic poem recitations) and impersonations of a large variety of celebrities were all missed.

“Sit up straight,” my grandfather started saying one day right at the onset of one of his visits with his wife, that is, after noticing me taking my chest inward as much as physically possible, in my attempt to turn my breasts invisible.  He then made a knuckle with one hand and pressed it against my upper back, mumbling something like “back straight.” His way of saying, I assume today, how proud (straight-backed) I was supposed to be as a female.  That sweet man is long dead.  I never had the courage to ask him what he wanted me to do about my body.  And then, we all started suffering from his dementia.  His younger brother was far more silent about this “issue.” I too often felt I, or better yet, my body’s changing shape, was being sign-languaged behind my back – held straight or not.  My father was neither vocal nor symbolic about it.  Nor had he come up with a similar tactic as my grandpa to help me feel confident.  I don’t recall my mother’s initial take on this issue.  All I remember is how “modest” she wanted me to appear in any situation when it came to my physical traits and what I did with them, including slanting my legs together to one side when seated, if in a skirt.  My younger uncle acted just like my mother.  Somewhat tight-lipped and stern-faced.  My older uncle, on the other hand, was quite relaxed and vocal about my – their girl’s – growing up reality.  As for my brother, he was too young to participate in any silent or vocal reactions yet.

My family’s men and their take on my noticeable femininity – as far back as I have known them in close settings, told me at my matured age what I had not realized back then: namely, how different they all were from one another in their comfort levels when facing female distinctions in their household, or extended household.  They were all born and raised in the same country and had been exposed to the same cultural traditions and practices – differing in nuances alone.  So, shouldn’t they all have had the very same view on everything that mattered the male and the female gender?   My German aunt – the older uncle’s wife, thought so.  I believe I was ten when I heard her for the first time use a term, since then her by far most favorite phrase when referring to Turkish men: “Orientals!”  Several ages later, I began to live what that reference entailed when my only brother was concerned – without yet realizing how severe my resentment was going to be at myself at a late stage in my life for having felt obligated to cater to that mindset.

(PLEASE COME BY AGAIN FOR THE NEXT PART, IF STILL INTERESTED.)

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HAIKU

“It’s worse than cancer,”

a doctor said long ago.

With me, so much is.

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bir başka başlıksız bir şiir (13 Nisan 2006)

Farkı mı sevişimin diğer sevenlerden,

sevgili nefese eş yakınken,

ufuktan bakışlarını çekmeyenlerden;

bulmuşsa bir mucizeyle eş ruhunu

son nefeslerine dek kendini ona vermeyenlerden;

tüm benlikleri hissederken bu ulu gerçeği,

varmış gibi sanki bir yedeği,

yaşamı ölüme itenlerden;

henüz nefes alabiliyorken

her gün yavaş ölenlerden?

 

Tüm benliğim baş koymuş artık sevgiye,

direnmeye zamana ten eriyene dek.

Bulmuş o eş ruhu geç bir mucizeyle,

son nefesine dek kendini verecek.

Yaşamı itmeden ölüme,

henüz alabiliyorken nefes

her gün yavaş yavaş ölmeyecek.

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“Ivory Tower? Literature and Life” – An Opinion Piece

My weekly post was going to be about an aspect of my life again.  After all, I created this blog site to document my literary work of the past and the present, most of which originated from my own life experiences and ills I have faced thus far.  To the best of my ability, I resist reading the news.  Beyond an occasional scan-reading, that is.  In the opposite sense of “intended” or “active” reading, the practice about which I tell my students time and again when dealing with literary texts in a foreign language – German, in my case.  Just yesterday, my literature class and I completed an analysis of three poems representative of their centuries in terms of cultural, social, political, religious and artistic tendencies.  All three, of relevance to my thoughts today.  As the poets’ words of hope for future generations were not capable of a launch: everyone in class, myself included, had to agree that nothing had happened for the better in human behavior from one century into another. Ours is no exception.

Yes, I have been resisting perusing world and local news for a while now.  To self-protect.  For I am very much like my mother, who couldn’t be herself for a long time, after reading sad news in newspapers back when.  Another reason is my realization of the cruel fact that I can’t possibly change anything that is tragic, cruel, downright inhuman in any of the world countries we know of.  This morning, however, an article by Jibran Ahmad at Reuters, http://news.yahoo.com/pakistani-girl-spoke-against-taliban-shot-wounded-095818763.html had my full attention.  Malala Yousufzai, a 14-year-old schoolgirl “became famous for speaking out against the Pakistani Taliban at a time when even the government seemed to be appeasing the hardline Islamists,” per Ahmad.  She was “shot in the head and neck when gunmen fired on her school bus in the Swat valley, northwest of the capital, Islamabad. Two other girls were also wounded, police said,” Ahmad states.  Malala’s courage got to my soul.  As we say in Turkish: it hit me directly in the main vein.  While I am typing my weekly post in the comfort and safety of my home in a secure environment, with my sole focus being on a discussion of a patriarchal wrong-doing of my own experience, this 14-year-old schoolgirl fights to stay alive.  Simply because she chose to speak up with conviction against an ongoing wrong in one of the most dangerous settings of the world cultures.  Against all odds.  Having at such a young age already risen above personal concerns or wishes, desires, expectations.  Her horrifying experience is a blunt reminder to me of what a luxury it is to do what I do: write about mostly personal issues placed in one or the other literary framework.

It is as if I have known Malala all my life.  I want to apologize to her in any and all languages of the world I don’t know and am not even aware of.  For I know one other fact for certain.  I regained perspective now.  Malala taught me that long-lost crucial insight for now.  By next week latest, though, I will have been caught by my own life worries all over again, all of which can’t possibly come close to Malala’s, in their levels of seriousness, intensity, severity, extent or of downright life and death significance.

Images of Malala Yousufzai from my google search are in my Blogroll.

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