Tag Archives: self-examination

January 26, 2022 · 7:00 am

“Convincing the Self” ~ A Poem

at a crossroads
of a significant loss
of worldly nature, that is
emotions run high still

sixteen years of memories
embedded in these tired old walls
no amount of fresh paint
can wipe off those delights
each of them will accompany me
wherever i now go, wherever i shall remain
for the rest of my days

i am reminded of a poet’s words
an equally convoluted mind . . .
“With death being a reality,
nothing should be taken seriously.”

i, however, am taking my predicament
with scrutiny, under utmost seriousness
for i have acted impulsively, carelessly
many a year ago

having arrived at a point beyond sadness,
i neared my resolve quite fast though
i, thus, am uttering an eager greeting
to all my erroneous ways toward a peaceful “hello”
for i presently see in myself a grateful soul
with indispensable learning curves

no fault

no guilt

no self-blame

just accepting the self
exactly as it became to be

​hülya n. yılmaz, January 25, 2022

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January 20, 2022 · 10:50 pm

“Sliding Doors” ~ A New Poem

sliding doors

almost as often as i breathe in,
i exhale this wishful thinking these days

what if . . .
my impulses were tamed
once and for all

what if . . .
my amygdala had lent an ear to reason
on voluminous occasions

what if . . .
my what ifs would exceed the extent
of a modest-size single-hit volume of my
life-altering decisions and deeds

what if . . .
i had viewed beforehand
with some suspicion at least
each swift initiative i took
ever so flirtatiously

what if . . .

the reality

of my existence

was now

not thus . . .

​hülya n. yılmaz, January 20, 2022

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March 8, 2020 · 7:00 am

“Mazinin Kalbi Hala Atıyor”

Mazinin Kalbi Hala Atıyor

Ah benim iç acılarım!
Ah benim bir sürü yüreği sızlatan adımlarım!
Neden bu kadar gecikmeli geldiniz kapıma?
Nasıl oldu da bunca zaman
yoklamadınız beni, girerek vicdanıma?

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, 24 Ekim 2019

 

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December 8, 2019 · 7:00 am

Back in the Farm . . .

Back in the Farm . . .
as my beloved would say
to make heavy matters
not weigh me down
but we both know it too well
this sickness has its way
to stay deep in our psyche
because the white man
knows not to let it be

the urge to root for slavery
is etched in his DNA

history repeats itself indeed
his barbarism, his most addictive weed

as i write down these words in despair
i am filled with paralyzing thoughts
as i am acutely aware
this disease does not yield itself
to be an easy repair

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, 11.20.2019

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November 17, 2019 · 7:00 am

In the Silence of the Night

when the body acts out
your own mortality
taps you on the shoulder

you don’t self-indulge in angst
thoughts of those who have suffered
and suffer hourly sharpen their silhouettes
right before your mind’s eyes
the heart is not far behind

you then arrive at a crossroads
taking the yet-untravelled path
surrounded by the peace of silence

you realize that against all odds
change might be on its way

to your surprise
you hold it by the hand
you no longer resist

like the ripples in a river
siding with its force
floating alongside
strong yet once again
on your own feet
you stand

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, 11.7.2019

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November 3, 2019 · 7:00 am

dispensable

dispensable

a futile experiment
unintended . . .

vanity snickered
as none noticed

gone

as
if
never
having
taken
a
breath

dispensable

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, 10.31.2019

 

 

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September 22, 2019 · 9:02 pm

“A Dead-End”

trapped inside the head
within the regrets from the past
and the dire worries about the future
lamenting over the unknown now
missing out on the gifts of the present
fearing to take a step ahead
trapped inside the head

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, September 15, 2019

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August 4, 2019 · 7:00 am

not enough

ironing my emotions away
the past with the roughest bumps, that is
where i stumbled upon
many a defect, many a flaw
deep at my core, i now know
i was not enough

i am not enough

you have washed, ironed, sewed, cleaned,
cooked, baked, entertained, and turned on
that “everything will be just fine”-smile
on your gorgeously freckled face
regardless of time’s impatient pace
family and non-family alike
sought from you many an advice
you were never absent to us,
your most precious ones,
but you were also there for strangers
the poor, the homeless, the family-less
came to your forever-open heart
life stole you away too soon
you missed out on most of our lives
you missed out on your grandchildren’s delight
but for whoever neared your grace
you were enough
you were always enough
you were much more than enough

ironing my emotions away
the past with the roughest bumps, that is
where i stumbled upon
many a defect, many a flaw
deep at my core, i now know
i was not enough

i am not enough

you were given many an obstacle on your career path,
so many stepped on your shoulders to a higher status, a higher pay
she, your love, was robbed from you when too young
you stood by us with your love, holding our hands one by one
you lived for the sake of us also on her behalf
you worked hard, utterly hard with no relent
whatever you earned, you saved,
saved and saved again
thanks to you,
we both lived well
you were enough
you were always enough
you were much more than enough

ironing my emotions away
the past with the roughest bumps, that is
where i stumbled upon
many a defect, many a flaw
deep at my core, i now know
i was not enough

i am not enough

you quested for a profession
to help people with surgical needs
all along, smiled at the grueling hours of work
you multiplied your soul to those nearby and afar
even then when life gave you three cancers all at once
while taking from you your one and only daughter tenderly young
you still smiled, continued to don that beautiful smile on your handsome face
you were enough
you were always enough
you were much more than enough

ironing my emotions away
the past with the roughest bumps, that is
where i stumbled upon
many a defect, many a flaw
deep at my core, i now know
i was not enough

i am not enough

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, August 3, 2019

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March 3, 2019 · 12:00 pm

On the Road Again

not empirically

reflecting
reminiscing
contemplating
all my beloveds, in my love-line
to be remembered at the core of my being
entering my soul’s depths again one by one

i am trying hard not to feel sad
for their passing to death or to life
surely, they, like i, faced many a strife
but they also were given, like i, many a smile

a sorry excuse for a selfish sense of comfort . . .

have i been loving enough?
have i hugged them with a caring
that had by far surpassed the empirical?

on the road again

questions galore

if only one more lifetime with them
could knock today on my self’s door . . .

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, February 27, 2019

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February 17, 2019 · 12:00 pm

“Taking Loved Ones for Granted”

taking loved ones for granted . . .

my beloved said these words this morning
as a response to my unease with my self
about matters pressing hard on my psyche

he was not judging,
only listening through his heart
reason joined in on our soulful exchange

my dis-ease of the self in many of its aspects
had to come out and speak up,
for the dissatisfaction i have been having
with my wholesome embrace of my loved ones
had become severe, so severe that i knew
deep inside something had to change

a serious improvement was long overdue

my love is immense, it has been always,
but not so my actual actions

so, as i am examining my spirit at its core
i am jotting down these random lines
to have my contemplations, reflections,
emotions, thoughts, potentials,
capabilities, abilities and potential for a
higher consciousness chime in anew,
and i realize how much more there is
that i am ready and willing to do,
to say, to feel, to show, to reassure
and to confirm where my love is due

a self-examination of one’s own awareness
about life’s truly-mattering matters
is what i now find myself do

and this realization
arrived at my doorstep
not a moment too soon

(c) hülya n. yılmaz, February 15, 2019

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