Category Archives: Reflections

Social media and human connections

In March, several facebook friends and myself have created an event – in a Turkish tradition (I was the only representative of Turkey, so to speak): Aşıklar Bayramı, a.k.a. Aşıklar Atışması.

 

asik_veysel_by_metalfaust copy

 

Aşıklar is the plural of “aşık” to which the Turkish language lends two meanings: lover and the one who is in love with a married person. In the context of the tradition I mention here, however, the word identifies a “minstrel.” It is all about composing poetry (in any format) on cue but to accompany it with a musical creation, also on cue, and by the contestant poets, at that (in Turkey, they have to know how to play “saz” – one of the most popular Turkish folk music instruments).

Hmm. Trouble, right? How on earth can a group of non-Turkish innocent bystanders (!) collaborate – online of all the places – to recreate the Minstrels’ Festival or Minstrels’ Cross-Talk of Turkey, not knowing how to play “saz” (myself included)? Well, we have improvised, of course, and thanks to the most delightful participants’ generosity as far as giving their time and attention, the event was quite an accomplishment. All participants and hosts enjoyed the outcome so much that I want to share with you what we have done. Amid the hustle and bustle we all have to do day in and day out, maybe this unusually pleasant memory of ours will also give you a reason to take a fresh breath of air for a change. Especially, if you picture yourselves in a land of sunshine, in a large hall filled with much laughter from all ages because of much good-willed teasing that goes on before each competition. Imagine then poets taking you into their imagined realities wrapping them up in colorful musical compositions – all unrehearsed. Perhaps, the way we all should be living life at least on one occasion or two…

At the time of our facebook event, we provided our guests with some background information on this tradition that for centuries has enriched life in Anatolia, taking place in different regions of today’s Turkey. I will give you the same insights here, including the legendary folk song by Aşık Veysel Şatıroğlu (1894-1973) – the icon of the Turkish Aşık Minstrel Poetry tradition:

 

 

When we come forward several decades to a contemporary Turkish society, we mostly observe, as in the video below, the traditional “only men” gathering. The first “Aşık” – with the respectful selection (a required step) of his co-poets – begins composing his couplets on the spot. He happens to select a rather sore topic in cheerful and loving words and mannerism (also required): balding. Please help yourselves with the video for a few seconds to participate in the uplifting mood of the minstrels but also of the audience members. Smiles all around! (Who needs to understand the language of the program?)

 

 

The following live coverage presents a new tradition in Turkey, an initiative by women who either self-taught to play the “Saz” – a necessity, or learned it from the masters to now voice their views on life matters.  A few seconds (or more) of a fun experience on an untraveled path, where one woman sings and plays the required instrument in competition with her male counterparts! (Once again: no need to understand the language of focus. The feel is real and there to breathe in, isn’t it?)

 

 

Mixed with interviews, the video program below, then, gives a deeper insight into the transformation of the same ancient folk poetry tradition in the hands of Turkey’s female minstrels. (To a peaceful union between the genders – poets and non-poets alike!)

 

 

What did we do on facebook at the time of our event to unite several people from various parts of the world? We asked them to spontaneously compose poetry after listening to a melodic prompt of our impromptu posting – for which we used ethnic traditional music. Whoever posted his/her couplet first, had the lead, which meant for the next poet to harmonize with the poetic mood, symbolism, diction, etc. of the preceding poetic lines – just like in the Aşık tradition. Then, the next poet would honor the same established poetic composition, add to it his/her couplet, and so on. Some comments about this experience included “fun, yummy,  delicious, lovely, inspiring.”

The final product comes to you as it was created on cue, in its unedited, unrevised version. The music prompt came from an African Music Compilation and the couplets were created in the following order (only the font style and size were modified and capitalization was added for the uniform external appearance):

 

Raindrops falling on drum tops.

When I dance to it my sadness stops.

The heartbeat of each creature is

The music of nature…

As if let loose from shackles my spirit filled with joy

When the beating of the drum reach my eardrum

I- wind rushing

Breathe- soul brushing

With- consuming fires

Desire- fingerless lyres

Like a waterfall?

Body turns into fountain sweat drops

Quenching the heat of passion

Moving for all time

Marking out rhythms and rhymes

Unconscious of ebbs and flows

Here doing only what it knows.

A canvas of fire I see

A sky burning for me

A singe atop of my skin

A grace thermal within

The sun shines brightly through the rain.

Traditionally, a hyena is born in Spain

The scorching sun blowing the breeze of comfort

Was told a lion just take to bed just in Spain without pain

 

One of our dear hosts, Kolade Olanrewaju Freedom, an accomplished poet and the author of The Light Bearer also composed verses (his impeccable talent should not be overlooked here – although, as he said during our event, “I did write something, being a host forbids…”). With his couplet, dearest Kolade embraced everyone’s work with his own right at the end, when parting started feeling rather cold:

 

The sun buries its head

As sleep lures me to bed

Hearing the sounds of a gong

A rhythmic melodious song….

 

My inspiration to conceive such an event was my utterly close familiarization with the humanist teachings of Rumi through my academic studies that now span over multiple decades.

 

Rumi

 

The call this Anatolian Sufi poet makes to humanity in his following stanza seems timeless to me, especially in our century when the storms of divisiveness keep causing complete destructions. Rumi invites all to unite instead:

Come, come again, whoever you are, come!

Heathen, fire worshipper or idolatrous, come!

Come even if you broke your penitence a hundred times,

Ours is the portal of hope, come as you are.

(As quoted in Turkey: A Primary Source Cultural Guide, 2004 by Martha Kneib)

 

Rumi’s philosophy of peace and love in the front of my mind, as always, the words by the Russian-American linguist and literary theorist, Roman Jakobson (1896-1982), then, had appealed to me as a most befitting framework:

“In poetic language, in which the sign as such takes an autonomous value, this sound symbolism becomes an actual factor and creates a sort of accompaniment to the signified.”

My guided interest had been taking me over and over to the key words present in the Jakobson statement: “the sign, sound symbolism” and “accompaniment to the signified” – of course, with me interpreting them in the way I needed and wanted to shape them. And then, another dear facebook friend presented us right before our event had begun – without knowing – the most critical sign I had been looking for. If a poeto-musical event could bring together people who don’t know each other outside a social media platform we all tend to assess as being fully impersonal, imagine what human interaction can take place, were such efforts to be multiplying all over the world…

 

for my March 16 2014 FB event.Les Bush Poet

 

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Whether through music, poetry or any other joyous aspect of life’s gifts, may you always connect to and harmonize with an unknown soul despite our learned or too often forced disparate realms. May you on this Sunday and on many more days to come ‘cuddle’ with any and all differences that only on the surface separate us from one another.

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existential crisis or incomparable bliss?

POSTED.image for ölümü düşünüyorum

 

 

 

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You would all believe me, if I told you he is far more beautiful than this picture does him justice, wouldn’t you? Yes! This image is of my grandson’s. His unintended pose here is utmost precious to me because the shoulder on which he has fallen asleep like an angel of my childhood fantasies happens to be mine. I remember having frozen my daughter right on the spot with my smile of who knows how many thousands of volt. My shoulder has been in this position many times before – in fact, my photo here is an older one when my tiny love had just made it to his two months (he is three-and-a half months old in his photo here). With my lucky charm’s shapely head, chubby cheeks, button nose, mother’s mouth and heavenly breath for me to inhale and never let go from inside me. And, those tiny hands with their father’s fingers – just recently freed from their sharp-nail-repellent baby mittens (his grooming kit is very difficult for his mom to near him with…)! Closing and opening at his dreams’ will to let me know I am there with him. In flesh and blood.

Then, I get to go home. Alone. Days go by fast with demanding work.  The nights should follow suit. For, a teacher’s duties multiply outside the classroom to occupy all evenings, weekends and holidays. I end up doing some more work. But, I get distracted (affordably so, of course) and have the urge to write. About many issues of and angles on our existences. The night when my poem below came to me was exceptionally intense in some personal longing and recollection of a recent loss (to life). I had already started mourning over my self without having exited my lifespan yet…On account of “things” not having been possible for me to materialize, nor to hope for, feeling out of time, and other similar harsh realizations. Being made foremost of emotions, my typing took me to an experience of angst. Not for myself, though, but rather only for the afterward. The ultimate innocence, a fully submissive display of trust, the purest and most unconditional love and eyeful of whole body excitement my grand baby was giving me as a priceless gift began to overwhelm me. It was, as if I had just realized what had happened: I, indeed, was the grandmother of a miracle baby boy. Moreover, with him becoming acutely aware of and visibly happy about the wordless interaction between us. Melancholy hit me. The outcome was the following short verse in my native tongue…(an English translation of it is right beneath the original):

 

ölümü düşünüyorum

eskimiş kalıbıma konup duran inanılmaz bir güzellik nefesinde

yol yorgunu soldakine en karşılıksız masum sevgi gözlerinde

hani cennetten derler ya, işte öylesine kökten gülüşlerinde

korkum sadece benden sonra göreceklerine

 

i am thinking of death

an indescribable beauty in his breath touching on and off my worn out frame

the most unconditional purest love in his eyes for the trek-weary one on my left

you know how they say: of heaven? such original depth in his smiles

my sole fear

what will he be dealt with

after me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wish you all thoughts on and plans for life alone and look forward to your visit next Sunday!

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I have exciting news to share with you!

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Good Sunday, dear readers!

A while ago, I had mentioned to you a project by Inner Child Press, ltd. – an extensive publication of poetry to be distributed to the member nations of the United Nations and the voting members of the United States Congress. It is an extraordinary honor for me to be one of the contributors to this two-volume book. In addition to my poem (please see below) being among over ninety poets’ lyrical creations, a preface I have been privileged to compose will appear on the first pages of this voluminous peace messenger. The publishing date is set as April 1st, 2014. With the public release of this project being right around the corner, I wanted to share this news with you first. Should you obtain a copy of World Healing World Peace Poetry, I hope it will make a memorable reading for you all.

Wishing you a wonderful Sunday, I leave you with my usual excitement for your next visit.

even time and space united

twelfth century Central Anatolia – cradle of civilizations

birthed Rumi, a poet of spirituality

amid teeming wars over religion and arms

he pled all colors of skin, worshippers of any shape or belief

called upon unity on behalf of humanity

 

he was neither the first nor the last to implore

the seed of homosapiens is the same at its core

 

the twenty-first century might – Mandela’s South African light

caressed him – Tolstoy, Picasso not far behind

 

nineteenth century Persia

labored Baha’u’llah

to wed world religions

 

Siddhartha Gautama donned India

in sixth century before Christ

with values of peace

liberating his devotees

from earthly agonies

 

doves led King to a North American glide

that twentieth century’s potent ripples still in tranquil ebb and tide

 

guarding the tortured, those imprisoned, lynched

nurturing them all, Socrates kept vigil – though in poison of hatred

 

before Christ through Confucius the Golden Rule revived

alas! an ancient old wisdom had survived:

 

“Men’s natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart.”

 

habits to arm, to discriminate

to abolish love, to nourish only those who hate

fossilized as heirlooms, resisted each age, firm not to abate

 

yet

even time and space prevailed to unite

for they had love’s healing command on their side

at warp speed, the peaceful have become and multiplied

 

Gandhi

Dalai Lama, the 14th

Gorbachev

Walesa

Suu Kyi

Williams

Corrigan

Laroupe

Ali

Malala

Hanh

Chinmoy

Vivekananda

Wilberforce

Tutu

Jefferson

Wilson

Annan

Carter

Mother Teresa

they

we

he

she

you

i…

 

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Helva, Halva, Halwa, …

Even after several decades passed since I last smelled it coming from my mom’s kitchen, the aroma of its slightly burned delight feels on the roof of my mouth.  “Just because,” she answered, when I first noticed she was making it outside the expected occasion: death.  The fortieth day of a death close to the family’s heart would warranty it, after which it would be repeated on the anniversary of that passing.  “In remembrance of the loss of our beloved among us, to have the strong whiff reach their souls,” my mother would utter on those occurrences – in a very soft voice, almost inaudible.  But that day, it was “just because.”

I absolutely loved then and love now the taste of un helvası (Turkish spelling), the Flour Halva/Helwa but also was engrossed in its unmistakable aromatic tour throughout our three-bedroom flat.  As I am writing now, my mother’s quick hand gestures stay glued to my mind’s eyes; how she would shape this very slowly fried butter, flour, sugar and milk mixture – something that doesn’t look like much at first – into edible rows of a finger dessert (I made up this term based on the English “finger food”), each topped either with a home-roasted raw almond or a large pine nut.  Her helva-making rituals became a more frequent act after that time.  Only after she died was I able to conclude how making that sweet dish had become her own way to feel connected to our beloved dead.  Through the first connector we experience right after our birth: partaking in the festivities of the palate.

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May your Sunday and new week be filled with delectable life experiences, and may you come back to share some of them right here, over an imagined cup of Turkish coffee and a helva of your choice to celebrate a joyous event.

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Related Links:

Ceremonial Significance

Definition in Encyclopedia Britannica

Definition in Wikipedia

Description of the Different Helva Types

History and more

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“İstanbul İstanbul Olalı” (“Since İstanbul has been İstanbul”)

I am not one of those lucky people who were born in İstanbul, as some would say.  Some lifetime devotees from my country of birth, that is.  This global city has been in the hearts of countless, to which a large number of Turkish and non-Turkish songs, literary compositions and cinematic productions would attest. “Gegen die Wand” (“Head-On”)  and “Auf der anderen Seite” (“The Edge of Heaven”)  by Fatih Akın, the Turkish-German director come to mind for their impressive award-records.  “Gegen die Wand” demands a larger highlight as the 2004 designated Goldener Bår (The Golden Bear) award: the German equivalent of The Oscar – many in the United States seem to await in eagerness to be watching tonight.  (No worries, please, I am not at all going to go there…)

İstanbul functions as the cultural connector in both films – justifiably so, for it is the only world city that is situated on two continents (hence, the term Eurasian as one of its referents).  While I may not be as lucky as those born there, my connection to this complexly picturesque metropolitan scenery runs rather deep: the members of multiple generations of my family have been buried there.  But, that’s a completely different topic, and I shall not dwell on it, either.  İnstead, I will give us a mere flavor of the longing for İstanbul Sezen Aksu – one of Turkey’s most celebrated song artists articulates and sings.  Her yearning is one directed at a love lost, embedded in visual imagery on the city’s many marked old traits.  Hence, the song mourns but simultaneously celebrates a past that is engraved in the soul of the city but also of all who have loved.

My translation of the lyrics follows the original Turkish.

Söz ve Müzik: Sezen Aksu

Uzanıp Kanlıcanın orta yerinde bi taşa

Gözümün yaşını yüzdürdüm Hisara doğru

Yapacak hiçbir şey yok gitmek istedi gitti

Hem anlıyorum hem çok acı tek taraflı bitti

 

Bi lodos lazım şimdi bana, bi kürek, bi kayık

Zulada birkaç şişe yakut yer gök kırmızı

Söverim gelmişine geçmişine ayıpsa ayıp

Düşer üstüme akşamdan kalma sabah yıldızı

 

Ah İstanbul İstanbul olalı

Hiç görmedi böyle keder

Geberiyorum aşkından

Kalmadı bende gururdan eser

 

İstanbul İstanbul olalı

Hiç görmedi böyle keder

Geberiyorum aşkından

Kalmadı bende gururdan eser

 

Ne acı ne acı insan kendine ne kadar yenik

Bulunmadı ihanetin ilacı yürek koca bir karadelik

Yapacak hiçbir şey yok gönül bu sevdi

Yeni bir ten yeni bir heyecan bilirim üstelik

 

Bi lodos lazım şimdi bana, bi kürek, bi kayık

Zulada birkaç şişe yakut yer gök kırmızı

Söverim gelmişine geçmişine ayıpsa ayıp

Düşer üstüme akşamdan kalma sabah yıldızı

 

Ah İstanbul İstanbul olalı

Hiç görmedi böyle keder

Geberiyorum aşkından

Kalmadı bende gururdan eser

 

İstanbul İstanbul olalı

Hiç görmedi böyle keder

Geberiyorum aşkından

Kalmadı bende gururdan eser

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Laying myself on a rock in the midst of Kanlıca

I had my tear swim toward Hisar

There is nothing to do about it: he wanted to go; he did

I understand but it is also very sad; for it was only a one-sided end

 

I need a southwester now, an oar and a boat

A few bottles in the stash, the land is ruby; red, the sky

Let it be a disgrace! I don’t care! I will curse it all!

Delayed from the evening, a morning star descends upon me

(Refrain)

 

Oh! Since İstanbul has been İstanbul

It never saw such grief

I am dying of his love

Nothing is left from my pride

(Refrain)

 

How sad! How sad! How the self defeats itself

There is no cure for betrayal; the heart is a colossal black hole

There is nothing to do about it: such is the heart, it loved

A new skin a new thrill – besides, I should know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

May your Sunday and next week be filled with joyous times!  I look forward to your next visit.

 

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“You can’t win ‘em all.”

On this Sunday, I share with you a new poem I have written to dedicate to those remarkable 700 souls inside their Pennsylvania State student bodies dancing for 46 hours this weekend to raise funds for THON, an annual event of incredible wide-reach impact again students have conceived and materialized toward research on pediatric cancer, an event that has been heard across the United States.

Emergency-Information

pre-birth

what do we exactly expect?

don’t we deliver them onto tablets-pc?

rejoice when they text they just arrived?

while skyping with their doctors over conditions inside?

post-birth

face timing dinner choices, about a dessert, or two?

why should their birth-rights become a taboo?

they didn’t invent those gadgets!

 

(elapse of time by about two decades)

college

they are still here!

electronic devices, that is

class forgets to begin yet calls abruptly its end

what is there for the rest of us to comprehend?

 

many may have no interest whatsoever

how they claim their chairs, they don’t seem to care

perhaps, though, we are wrong, and their drive is, in fact, there

it is those fancy devices their hands, in no hiding, openly bare

a pre-natal inhabitation

 

without causing myself any unnecessary affliction

i take to my aged memory box with great affection

those who look up at me with new-infant-like eyes

at the onset of every class session, with no exception

i, therefore, can’t possibly resent what others won’t put down

this understanding and love, after all, has for long been around

 

besides, whether clad in electronics or not

it is our students who fight against the cruelest of odds

it is they who raise record-breaking funds to ease children of cancer

THON, they coined their event, where each becomes an enduring dancer

over seven hundred of them, on their feet for forty-six grueling sets of hours

i, for one, am in awe, respect and silent pride that we can and do call them ours

 

technology cartoon

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May you enjoy the rest of your Sunday and new week very much!  I hope you will hurry back for another visit.

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For whom is it a winter wonderland?

winter

I am on facebook.  If you also are logging on that platform, you will know right away what such membership entails.  With the heavy and prolonged snow falls we have been having almost throughout the entire U.S.A., many (truly beautiful) pictures have emerged and continue to emerge nonstop.  They all tend to tell us a tale.  One may think about the serene promises of the Ansel Adams photographs, to mention probably the most prominent artist’s captivation in our end of the world.  Then, there are pictures from inside homes.  Or such that capture estate-like houses donning various layers of snow.  Cars under snow.  Warmly and elegantly clad people in snow.  And so on.  This last cyberspace “fad” has in the snow its limitlessly admired protagonist – in a display of (surely unwilling) disregard of humans whose lives are affected beyond traffic halts, wet toes, or sore hands (at least, there are toes inside warm boots, gloves covering those shovel-holding digits, cars, and son, to have troubles with).   Remembering, from recent times, a multitude of natural forces that caused immense human suffering and fatalities, I decided to oust this year’s white stuff as one of the most villainous antagonists.  Instead of risking being called “weird” – to fear the least, and therefore avoiding a write-up of a mini-drama play between an age-old and highly clouted natural phenomenon and myself, I wrote a poem.

when another heart sobs

 

i remember in vivid colors all the smells

a crisp taupe late autumn afternoon a reddish sun

mom had us under self-knitted bright and darker orange layers

our tummies were glued snugly to her olive green spreads

 

our front balcony was hosting another private after-school delight

mom’s offerings were housed in a still hot oval yellow earthen pot

aromas galore were always worth our steep twice-a-day stride

no contest though to her beaming smile that rang for us the bells

 

she left suddenly for our kitchen that heat-fronted day

emerged with two large spoons and more of the fresh bread

we watched her face light over the deep bowl she brought along

while she poured in to it some of our plentiful share

her sweet voice urged us to stay and eat on

 

curious our eyes didn’t let her out of sight down those few steps:

our two little age-alikes were now filling the voids of their hunger pangs

mom was standing by the complete strangers’ tiny lonely side

she looked up, smiled – she wasn’t going to mind that we didn’t abide

 

a vicious earthquake then in the peak of eastern Turkey’s winter

had stricken some of the poorest people out of their four bare walls

conspiring with that fault line’s chain of pervert affairs

snow compounded misery with its bountiful squalls

 

mom was never the same after the news

 

maybe it was for that unending horrible winter of all nightmares

maybe it was on that day in that for long ignored autumn

when my fairy-tale perception of harmful matters of life

woke up my negligence to raise me up and hard

to double my mom’s beating-for-all heart

 

her soul was too fragile to hold it all in

especially when children were kept in pain

the source didn’t have to be intentionally inhumane

a storm an earthquake flood or fire

or mere snow many find something to desire

 

uncounted billions of minutes and infinite spatial dots later

insatiable ocean waters and a premature death between us

i sit by a window of my heated abode

rapt in the image of pure fantasy

though the time is now the place is here

only my memories of that past adhere

 

the white stuff has been eager in its show of affluence this year

world’s forgotten quarters sag under its selfish dense weight

marvel-filled comments frequent cyberspace on its beauty

a source of childhood joys for not only a handful plenty

 

for the homeless or the otherwise hit, however,

there never was, is or will be a winter wonderland

 

 

japan.tsunami.old.man_pic

 

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As always, I look forward to your visit next Sunday. May you enjoy the rest of your day and have a wonderful new week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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When “religion” preaches anti-love sentiments, …

For 2.9.2014.2For 2.9.2014

[Image Credit:  James Wolf and Gyöngyi Keller of facebook]

 

Yes, I am intentionally personalizing any and all religious institutions.  And yes, I am intentionally using a mere clause – and a dependent one, at that; instead of a complete sentence statement.  Because I am hoping you will help me with potential independent clauses that may enable us to conceptualize anew the practice of “religion” in the terms with which I open a discussion floor to us: When the application of any world religion’s teachings disregards or discards love for another human being, …

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May you have a spectacular Sunday and a fabulous week.  As always, I very much look forward to your visit.

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In case you have…

…purchased a copy of my Trance, a collection of poems in English, German and Turkish, dear friends,  visitors, explorers, supporters of independent authors’ works, would you consider reviewing this Inner Child Press, Ltd. publication?  You have my thanks for your consideration.  The link is as follows: amazon Customer Reviews.

TRANCE Cover Full Final it 1

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whenever “tongue-tied”…

yılmaz-değirmenci1-profile

Being “tongue-tied” is, as we all know, a medical condition. My intent of using it today has nothing to do with medicine, however: I seem not to be able to express in words the heaviness my heart is under, for a loved one is being missed in sensory pains.  What happens to us, when we get “tongue-tied” as far as our emotional beings? With me, nothing else will do but to resort to a translation of what comes closest to articulating my self’s dilemma at the time.  So, for today, what I have for us is my (idiomatic) translation of “Vazgeçilmezimsin” by Yılmaz Değirmenci  (b. 1975) – a highly moving poem, when I am concerned.  I hope you will let me know what you think of it…

Vazgeçilmezimsin

Vazgeçilmezimsin
Hem günah hem kutsal olan şarap misali içilmezimsin
Gözümün önünde saklı bir sır gibi görünmezimsin
Hiçbir kitapta geçmeyen kelime anlamında bilinmezimsin
İdam mahkûmunun son isteği kadar özlenenimsin
Şafak gününü bekleyen asker heyecanıyla gözlenenimsin
Gün doğdu mu?
Vakit geldi mi?
Ayrılık sona erdi mi?
Hasret gerçekten bitti mi?
Bu hastalıksa ben bunla mutluyum
Ölene kadar inan ki umutluyum
Sen benim kutsal çilemsin
Vazgeçilmezimsin

You are one I will not give up

You are one I will not give up
Like wine, sinful but holy as well, you are not to be consumed
As if a secret hiding right before my eyes, you cannot be seen
You are my unknown, in the sense of a word no book has ever written
As strong of a longing as the last wish of a death row inmate
The one I ache for as excited as a soldier awaiting the break of dawn
Has the day been born?
Is it time?
Did separation come to an end?
Is longing really over?
If this is an illness, I am happy about it
Believe me, I will be full of hope until my death
You are my holy ordeal
You are one I will not give up

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