Category Archives: Reflections

May 29, 2016 · 7:00 am

Did you . . .

i saw you the other day
perhaps it was a dream

either way . . .

you appeared before me

and i

cried

again

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are the messengers of overwhelming grief,
Of deep contrition,
And of unspeakable love.

since you happen to be here . . .

i want you to imagine a woman
vulnerable at a declining age
married once for long
familiar thus with intercourse
yet still a virgin
when you had entered her essence

for
she
let
only
you
make love
to her soul
to the core

should you ever doubt it
send your reason to her address . . .
living proofs do not lie

you had made her believe all along
you too were a virgin with her alone

that is how untouched she was

her once ascending spirit
in a downward-spiral now
races to self-destruction
this late in her remaining time

you have after all never taught her
how she could thicken her skin like yours
before you abandoned her fragility
abruptly harshly ungently
to its debilitating agony

did you recognize her . . .

does she visit your nightmares . . .

i saw you the other day
perhaps it was a dream

either way . . .

you appeared before me

and i

cried

again

© hülya n. yılmaz, 5.27.2016

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The italicized text originates from Washington Irving.

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May 22, 2016 · 7:00 am

Bir dreisprachiger poem-draft

böyle sevilmez

i loved

o mu

could not have

seven mahvetmez

thema durch war ich für ihn am ende

but also a few undefined times before

in klaren verhåltnissen zu leben

arzusuna geçti uzun senelerinkinin yerine

gene hiç uyarmadan sakince birdenbire

aber du unverbesserlicher ignorant

keep refusing against your will still

dich aus deiner herzenstiefe zu befreien

bu kadar da aşka muhtaç olur mu bir can

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

© hülya n. yılmaz, 4.12.2016

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May 15, 2016 · 7:00 am

Attila İlhan’s “Ben Seni Neden mi Sevdim?” in Translation

A few weeks ago, a first happened to me on this platform. A reader, zeynebe has (ever so gracefully) asked me, if I could translate “Ben Seni Neden mi Sevdim?” -a poem by Attila Ilhan (1925-2005; “a Turkish poet, novelist, essayist, journalist and reviewer (Wikipedia).” Having missed the excitement I used to feel whenever I would work on my literary translations, I welcomed this request. And my Turkish-to-English-bridging effort has come about.

Please note: When you click on “Attila Ilhan” above, you will be directed to a YouTube video in which the poet himself guides you through his life in his native tongue. As for the Turkish original of the poem, my source was Çetin Bayramoğlu -another wordpress blogger. 

Ben seni neden mi sevdim?

Ben seni bir okyanusun derinliğinde buldum da sevdim
Parlak bir inciydin benim için
Paha biçilmez bir inci
Ben seni soğuk ve yağmurlu bir günde
Seni düşünürken gülüşündeki sıcaklığın içime dolup ta
Beni sardığı bir anda sevdim
Seni sadece selvi boyun, siyah saçların ya da kara gözlerin
Güzel bir yüzün var diye değil
Fikirlerinle, konuşmandaki güzelliğin ve benim o kor halde yanan yüreğimle sevdim
Ben seni derinden ve hissederek sevdim
Her kalp atışımda vücudumun dört bir köşesine yayıldığını
Beni sardığını her nefes alışımda ciğerlerime işlediğini bilerek sevdim
Seni kış gecelerinin o soğuk yatağında birlikte uyuyup beni ısıttığın
Yaz sıcağında uyuyamayıp sıkıntılarım olduğun
Ve rüyalarımda buluştuğumuz gecelerde sevdim
Seni ellerinden tutup kanımın kaynadığı
Kalbimin yerinden fırlayacağını hissettiğim anlarda
O ıslak dudaklarınla beni sevdiğini söyleyeceğin anları düşünerek sevdim
Ben seni o sensiz anlardaki boş ve değersiz geçen dakikalarda
Kayıp zamanlarımızda, seni arayıp bulamadığım
Çaresizlik içinde olduğum, içki sofralarını dost bildiğim anlarda sevdim
Sen ne kadar uzak olsan da,
Aramızdaki kilometreler nasıl çoksa
Ben de seni o kadar yoğun ve o denli çok sevdim
Seni kalbimde yanan ateşin ile
Zihnimde oluşan hayallerin o ay parçası çehrenle
Bana derinden bakan o gözlerindeki ışıltıyı göreceğim anları beklerken
Kalbimin yanıp tutuştuğu anlarda
Gelip bu ateşi alevlendirerek
Bana sarılarak beni sevdiğini söyleyeceğin anları düşünerek sevdim

Korkuyorum!
Hakettiğin mutluluğu sana verememekten korkuyorum.
Seni beni sevdiğinden fazla sevememekten korkuyorum.
Senin sevgine layık olduktan sonra başkaları tarafından o sevgiyi kaybetmekten korkuyorum.
Seni kazanayım derken kaybetmekten korkuyorum.
Aramızdaki maneviyat haricindeki uçurumlardan korkuyorum.
Senin kalbini daha fazla kırmaktan korkuyorum.
O temiz ve masum göz yaşlarını daha fazla akıtmaktan korkuyorum.

Evet korkuyorum;
seni kaybetmekten, seni daha fazla üzmekten …
Sana kendimi ifade edememekten korkuyorum.
Ya da yanlış anlaşılmaktan korkuyorum.
Uçurumun kenarında yalnız kalmaktan korkuyorum.
Dostluğuna doyamadan ulu orta yalnız kalmaktan korkuyorum.
Yüreğimdeki o ince sızının bir gün çoğalmasından ve beni sarmasından korkuyorum.
Sevgi denen güzelliğinin bir gün beni terk etmesinden korkuyorum.
Dostluğun ölüp yerine nefretin yeşermesinden korkuyorum.

Korkuyorum evet;
seni kaybetmekten ve seni daha fazla üzmekten…
Bir çiçek misali ne ellemeye ne de koparmaya kıyamıyorum uzaktan seyrediyorum çünkü;
Seni daha fazla incitmekten korkuyorum.
Ömründe yaşadığın mutluluğu huzuru sana yaşatamamaktan korkuyorum.
Sana kalbimden fazlasını verememekten korkuyorum.
Sonunda sana gözyaşından başka bir şey bırakamamaktan korkuyorum.
Seni sevmekten değil;
dostluğunu suistimal etmekten,
Seni kaybetmekten ve değerini bilememekten ve Yüce Rabbime hesap verememekten korkuyorum.
Belki de çok fazla korkuyorum …

ÇÜNKÜ; BEN İLK DEFA SEVİYORUM…

Attila Ilhan

A Turkish to English Translation Draft
© hülya n. yılmaz (4.30.2016)

Why I Loved You, You Ask?

I found you in an ocean’s depth, and thus loved
A sparkling pearl you were to me
A priceless pearl
I loved you on a cold and rainy day
When your smile thawed my soul
While I housed you in my thoughts
I loved you not only for your gracious height, dark hair or black eyes
Nor for your beautiful face
I loved you in your thoughts, for the beauty of your words
And with that ablaze heart of mine
I loved you, sensing you at the core of my being
Knowing how you flowed into every cell in my body
At each beat of my heart, how you held me in your caress
Filling my lungs every time I took a breath
I loved you when you kept me warm while we shared a sleep
In the cold bed of winter nights
I loved you when you became my distress
In my sleepless nights in the dead of the summer
And in those nights when we united in my dreams
I loved you when the touch of your hands set my blood on fire
In those moments, when I felt my heart leave its cage
While I imagined moments when you, with those wet lips of yours,
Were about to tell me that you loved me
I loved you in those void worthless minutes that passed without you,
During times we had lost, when I tried to find you but could not
Throughout all the moments that witnessed my despair, when I befriended the bars
No matter how far away you were from me, I loved you
And with the same intensity and as much as the extent of the distances between us
I loved you with your fire that was burning in my heart
With images of you that were entering my mind, with your moon-lit face
While waiting for the moments when I was going to see
That sparkle in your eyes, looking at me intently
I loved you in those moments when my heart burnt of desire
While I imagined moments when you would come to revive that fire
By telling me in an embrace that you loved me

I am afraid!
I am afraid of not being able to give you the happiness you deserve.
I am afraid of not being able to love you more than you love me.
I am afraid of losing your love to others after I become worthy of it.
I am afraid of losing you while I try to win you.
I am afraid of the non-platonic divides between us.
I am afraid of breaking your heart even more.
I am afraid of causing you to shed more of your pure and innocent tears.

Yes, I am afraid;
of losing you, of giving you more sorrow . . .
I am afraid of failing to express myself to you.
Or, perhaps, I am afraid of being misunderstood.
I am afraid of being left all alone on the edge of the cliff.
I am afraid of being bluntly abandoned before being sated with your friendship.
I am afraid of that dull ache in my heart intensifying and surrounding me one day.
I am afraid of that beauty of yours called love leaving me one day.
I am afraid of hate flourishing after the death of friendship.

True, I am afraid;
of losing you and of creating more sadness for you . . .
Like with a flower, I cannot bear to touch nor pick you
I watch you from a distance instead because
I am afraid of hurting you more.
I am afraid of not being able to provide you with
The happiness and peace you have known in your life.
I am afraid of not being able to give you anything else but my heart.
I am afraid of leaving you nothing else but tears in the end.

I am not afraid of loving you;
But rather of taking advantage of your friendship,
of losing you, of being unable to appreciate you
and of failing to answer to The Ultimate Being.
I may be too afraid, maybe . . .

BECAUSE; THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM IN LOVE . . .

 

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May 8, 2016 · 7:00 am

Whenever the human species . . .

becomes hard to bear (with me as the frontrunner), I seek comfort for the unrestful spirit in the sights of the other often much gentler earth-dwellers. Would you care to join me in watching a video on them? 

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May 1, 2016 · 7:00 am

Reblogged: A Poem by Jean-Jacques Fournier

Poetry on a canapé – A journey through Jean-Jacques Fournier’s poetry

I am the colour

Of human disorder,

That shades the stay

Of man made suffer,

While held at bay

Be caused such pallor,

In ominous way

With spurious cover,

Feigning fair play

Thus to be coloured,

With doubtful recover

For fated mankind,

Bearing colour be mine!

© Jean-Jacques Fournier

via “ I Am The Colour ” ~ of human disorder ~ — Poetry on a canapé

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April 24, 2016 · 7:00 am

Escapism

Since 2003, unending chains of political turmoil have been gaining on speed and intensity in Turkey, my country of birth. The voters and non-voters alike have been rather accepting of the gradually growing brutal  violations of their basic human rights. When the head aggressor banned the National Sovereignty and Children’s Day this year, however, reactions from countless people throughout the country rose as a united voice of determined resistance.

Children’s Day is an official holiday that was celebrated yesterday, just like it has been every year since April 23, 1920, “the first gathering of the Grand National Assembly [‘]the Turkish Parliament[‘] (timeanddate.com).” The latest attempt by Turkey’s merciless dictator to erase from history Mustafa Kemal ATATÜRK, a world leader and the founder of the Turkish Republic – alongside the fruition of his reforms, was met with complete disregard of any authority with which the modern-day iron fist had been privileging himself. Celebrations of and by children yesterday have apparently taken on a life of their own, resembling the innocence of Turkey’s much happier past as numerous newspapers and social media reports document amid news on the most recent Erdoğan Corruption: Government-linked Foundation Caught Up in Turkish Child Sex Scandal. In starkest contrast, ATATÜRK has always been claimed to have prioritized the well-being of children in Turkey to whom he reportedly dedicated the Turkish Republic.

Escapism is what I seek today, a day after the bombardment of overwhelming occurrences having been made public yet once again but with their most severe impact at this time. I knew I had to avoid thinking about the utterly disturbing crime of organized pedophilia; to concentrate instead on the hope-raising sights of happy and carefree children – everywhere in the world, left in peace by adults to embrace their yesterday, their  today and their tomorrow. A piece of paper I had torn long time ago from a desk calendar then came to my immediate rescue – a quote from Rachel Carson:

A child’s world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood. If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life.

To the permanence of “that clear-eyed vision” in the hearts of children throughout the world and to the loyalty of their life-long companion: “a sense of wonder”!

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March 27, 2016 · 7:00 am

(A title of your wish appears here)

“There’s nothing like a song of lost love to remind you how everything precious can slip from the hinges where you’ve hung it so careful.” ~ Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

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March 13, 2016 · 7:00 am

Loneliness – in the words of the Sufi poet HAFIZ

Don’t surrender your loneliness

So quickly.

Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can.

HAFIZ

 

 

Divan_hafiz[1]

“An artistic depiction of Hafez” (Wikipedia)

Image Source

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March 6, 2016 · 7:00 am

. . . lack of dignity in crying?

In the words I quote below, Dejan Stojanovic – a contemporary poet, writer and essayist, conceptualizes a human quality I lack when one were to take into consideration only my reaction to tragic life events:

“To hide feelings when you are near crying is the secret of dignity.”

It would be a dramatic understatement for me to even claim that my case ever involved a mere “near crying” state. Tears run in abundance. Whenever the suffering and pain of others have my attention – regardless of my proximity to them. Then, there is also the matter of my own suffering. While I handle pain rather well, the emotional hurt I experience in the face of heart-wrenching occurrences is too stubborn to let me hold back the salty drops. But, I am not apologizing. For I hold the conviction that the release of one of our inborn emotions cannot serve as a basis to measure dignity. Would you agree? I would love to hear from you either way while I continue to hope that our psyches will grant us with a far less rigid definition of this human characteristic.

In the meantime, I leave you with my emotion-laden words. They came to me at a time when I was in a most vulnerable state of being, facing a rash and harsh demand for a loss to life. As you will probably also conclude, the following lines evidence that my self-judgment as I have started my post with is not severe after all:

ripped off of its cage

hot iron presses upon the open heart

defeated not yet deceased

the body continues to beat

(hülya n. yılmaz, 5.20.2015)

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February 28, 2016 · 7:00 am

Which statement appeals to you the most?

Plato is known to have described – “[w]ithin the human mind or soul” – Reason “as being the natural monarch which should rule over the other parts, such as spiritedness and the emotions (Source of the Quote).”

Yasutani Haku’un, “the first abbot of […] an independent lay organization of Zen practice[,]” has been quoted as having claimed the following on the same subject:

“It is probably possible to control the brain so that no thoughts arise, but that would be an inner state in which no creativity is possible.”

Knowing too well that I am oversimplifying the core matter of focus here, I still want to take the liberty of raising my title-question: Which life view have you been housing inside; that is, if you haven’t changed lanes?

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