Mutluluk Yolu

Kalbimde mel’un bir sessizlik

ıssızlarda koşuyorum alabildiğine.

Elle tutulur acı bir sensizlik

sakin köşelerden kaçınıyorum tüm benliğimle.

Sükut etmiş zihnimde yaygın bir boşluk

dolu bir sensizlik terkedilmiş tüm düşüncelerimde.

Bazen bir pençe gibi kavrayan garip bir burukluk

kah coşuyor, kah sükun buluyorum uçsuz bucaksızlarda.

Seni bu şekilde ızdırapla anabilmek

belki de sere serpe uzanmış bir zevk rastgele.

Açılan şefkat dolu kollarında artık bir bitkinlik

koruyuculuk görevlerinden bıkmışa benziyorlar bile.

Gönlümde olabildiğine perişan bir viranlık

yerleştirdiklerine asla inanmıyorlar bile.

Yalnızlık, ebedi yalnızlıklara ümitle sarılmak,

tek çözüm yolu bir yıkım imişcesine,

ümitsizliklerle birleşmek, onlarda dostluk aramak

mutluluğun ilk buruk acılarını tatmak istiyorum.

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HAIKU

navigate the lead

it is there, it’s apparent

time is of essence

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Revised: First HAIKU

(1)

splashes of light waves

hit the dry land on short loan

I revive again

The original version was as in the following:

splashes of waves

hit the dry land on short loan

I am home at last

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Autobiographical Fiction, “Butrus” – Part 5

A mini market in the same area, a little away from the main campus compound, was there for us in case of emergency; that is, whenever our Köfte-Sultan wouldn’t show up for any reason.  The dry goods of the small shop, then, always did the trick in stilling our hunger as well as my sweet tooth (did I ever have a notorious, merciless one) until we would make it to our homes for dinner.  Today, it wasn’t going to be any dry goods feeding us.  We quickly checked what our resources were in our “bank”–Butrus’ money holder (it was more than enough.)  The imaginary joint bank account was my mom’s idea, something she conceived after realizing we were going to go on many, many dates where Butrus would jump to pay for all our expenses.  She wouldn’t have it!  After all, he, too, was a student with no personal income.  On this issue, he had to fight my mom so much –providing evidence from his summer earnings as a tour guide in Efes, his hometown, but to my significant relief, all in vain.  After our few initial outings, I ended up paying for the expenses of our dates equally with my own money (well, my parents’, to be exact.)  I wanted him to keep my share in his money folder, as it was an unwritten law in Turkey at the time (most likely still today) that a man would cover any and all expenses for a date.  At all times.

Our joint cash safe paid for our food and drinks.  The spills of the aroma took a seat on a bench nearby.  Our bodies followed them up close.

“What else does he put into his dürüm?  I know I say the same thing every single time but I can’t believe the taste of this food.”

“I don’t want to know, Butrus, in all honesty I just want to enjoy eating it, without worrying about how he and his wife make each köfte, or what else they put into it.  You know me with hygienic practices.  I wouldn’t even drink out of the same glass or cup as my equally sensitive mother’s, nor would I use any utensil of any of my family members.  Yet, I am actually eating from a street vendor.  My mother can still not believe it.”

“You enjoyed your food, though, right?  Let’s walk up to our hill to enjoy the rest of our sodas, shall we?”

“By all means.  I think I lost my appetite all of a sudden.”

“But, my rose, you ate it all, every tiny morsel,” he gave me a flirtatious wink and one of his contagious landmark smiles.  He knew too well how to provoke me with his loving tease about my food choices, weaknesses, to be more honest.

“Butrus!  That’s not nice!  Besides, I cannot let our bank go bankrupt, can I, by wasting food which we paid for?” We both started laughing.  Again.

Walking up our small hill was something we did as often as we could; that is, in-between classes when our breaks were long enough.  Our university campus was on a hilly landscape, unusual for Ankara at large; hence, the origin of its name, Hacettepe, the hill of Hacet.  At least, while we were still students there.  The walk from the main campus building where most classes took place up to the largest hill took a good full fifteen minutes, depending on the weather conditions.  When snow covered the ground, several minutes longer.  On our way to what we designated to be our hill–of course, not to a point to scare unsuspecting couples away from it.

Halfway to our hilltop, there was a small, one-story building with a wood exterior and interior.  We called it the “mountain cabin.”  Inside, hot and cold refreshments were served during specific hours for students.  With its low and backless rattan chairs, small coffee tables, Kilim donning walls and rustic accessories, the cabin offered a very cozy atmosphere.  Quite different from the formality and size but also decorations the campus building structures presented day in and day out.  During winter months, in particular, spending time there over a cup of brewed hot tea while hearing the audible burning sounds of the old coal stove was quite a treat.  Sometimes, we would take our “mom-wiches” to the cabin, at other times, to our hill.  The “mom-wiches” were eloquent sandwiches my mother would prepare (with tongue salami, goat cheese, or any new edible product she could get her hands on at her regular market) in fancy food carriers to help us out with our cash shortage, if or when that ever occurred.  She would always supply me with additional money, not to be a burden to Butrus.  Ever.  Her point was well taken.  Thanks not only for those delicious love sandwiches, mom but for everything you have done for me all your short life!

As we did on numerous other days, also on that beautiful afternoon, we sat on our regular spot on our hill –somewhat in privacy for the sake of the old large trees, where we have taken pictures of each other in countless repetitions.  It is also there where Butrus one day remarked in surprise, after the sun had hit my face directly:

“Oh my goodness, Huban, you have many greens in your eyes!”

I didn’t know whether to be happy that he discovered my deep-seated desire to have some resemblance to my mom, in the face or the body, or to act, as if he caught me by the same surprise as his own.  I mumbled something like, “I guess, I have some hues, perhaps after my father’s hazel eyes.”

“But no, Huban, in yours, I see green, not hazel!”  I should have asked him then why he was so excited about this aspect of my eyes.

We were never short of any topic to tackle between us; in heated passion, that is.  The only exception was sports–I suspected Butrus’ lack of athletic abilities to be one of the reasons as to why Tamo didn’t care much for him at all, making his dislike obvious to everyone in the family.  That we could analyze literature for hours was also a trait Tamo didn’t approve about Butrus: “What is that all about?  Like a girl!”  As for Butrus’ academic and musical skills I would bring up in his defense behind his back, none of them had any meaning for my brother.  Neither did his current scholarly success in college, where during his first year already, he was acknowledged by both of his departments as one of the most promising scholars in his field of study.

(More to come next week…)

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Credits

I am hereby thankfully acknowledging the following dear individuals in their reading some of my work here, toward my revisions or inspirations to revise my work, in poetry and short prose: My longtime friends, Omur Aydin (my apology for the forced misspelling of each of your names), Filiz Ertekin and Kathy Salloum; my poet and writer friends, Paula Schröder, Jill Hackman, Mindy Kornhaber, Katherine Yeaple and my second essay’s voluntary editor, fellow writer, Walt Fillman. My appreciation will always be on its way to you all.

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HAIKU

laughter, chatter, poise

ideas, aroma, sight, taste

erase poise! just taste!

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My first attempt at English HAIKU

(My special thanks go to fivereflections for attracting me to this poetic form)

splashes of waves

hit the dry land on short loan

I am home at last

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içimdeki sen

Sonsuzluklardan sana sesleniyorum

ümitsiz feryatlarımı duymuyor musun?

Lahza lahza geçirdiğimiz mutluluğu anıyorum

ellerimin sıcaklığına özlem duymuyor musun?

yalnızlıklardan sana soruyorum

meçhul gecelerde ızdırap çekmiyor musun?

Ağlamak, hatıralarımız için ağlamak istiyorum

ne olur, itiraf et, sen de aynı şeyleri hissetmiyor musun?

 

ıssız sakinlerden yardım arıyorum

maksadımın derinliğini anlamıyor musun?

Ağlamak, pişmanlık çok geç şimdi,

artık esrarlı sulardan haykırıyorum…

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“Sinop” Essay: Friends’ Comments with my heartfelt thanks

Comment/Feedback 2:

I think you have captured the emotion and drama (trauma) that your main character goes/went through with her struggle to leave her marriage and “find herself” in her hometown filled with fond memories.   She believes to be able to find peace going back to the place that reminds her of the unconditional love of her mother and other relatives (esp. her uncle, Doktor Bey).  We all remember with delight those carefree, loving days of our childhood.  But things did not work out as your character hopes because of the drama (trauma) that follows her.  The experience of renovating that house was therapeutic for her though.  Unfortunately, very costly, but therapeutic.   Hopefully  your literary recounting of your character’s experiences will help others who are going through similar experiences.  I liked the way you worked the poem into the story.

Your essay is very well written. … Keep writing my dear friend…. Keep writing…..I think you have a winner!

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“Sinop” Essay: Friends’ Comments with my heartfelt thanks

Comment/Feedback 1:

This is a well-written short story with a withering tone that has a welcoming feel and walks the reader through the different aspects of the writer’s inner emotions.  Hulya in her descriptions creates a vivid world through paying attention to details and providing elaborate images.  The descriptions are heartfelt as they make the reader feel like in the author’s shoes experiencing her waning journey.  She carefully leads her readers from one interesting aspect of her life and family history to another and also includes a descriptive and expressive poem about her hometown.  Overall, it is a very well-written work that leaves the reader with the choice of categorizing it as a ‘memoir’ or ‘fiction’ and as a reader I enjoy this assignment.

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