Category Archives: Reflections

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 3

Friday, January 24, 2025

I couldn’t move my eyes away from the growing distance between Gabriela and me. One man was dragging her. She must have felt paralyzed in her fear and sadness. I couldn’t stop crying and begging, “Please let me stay with my sister. She is only 4.”

The tall man who was pushing me nonstop, shouted: “Stop crying! Move!”

After several minutes passed, we arrived in front of a building that looked like an airplane hangar. I remembered how Papa made paper airplanes for me. “Pedrito, you love planes so much. Maybe one day, you will become an aircraft pilot.” He had also made a hangar for my paper planes. It was a shoe box with one of the short sides cut open.

The hangar in front of me was gigantic. There was an entry gate where several men in uniform stood, their rifles on their side. I had never seen a gun or a rifle before. The men were very tall and hefty, and so scary with their rifles clutched by one of their hands. One of them signaled with his other hand to the man behind me, “proceed.” I was pushed through the guarded gate, then, shoved inside.

I am good with numbers, as Papa and my teacher always told me. I couldn’t possibly guess the number of children in the hangar. Some looked Gabriela’s age, some seemed to be my age. Others must have been teenagers. They were quite tall. Taller than me, for sure. What all of them seemed to have in common was their loud cries. I didn’t need to hide my heavy crying anymore.

I looked around to see if I could stand close to a boy of my age. It was difficult to move, as we all stood shoulder to shoulder. Then I heard a baby’s cries from close by. I stood on my toes to see better. The baby was in the arms of someone in uniform.

I remembered Gabriela as a baby. When I was 4 years old, Mama’s tummy grew. And it kept growing. Mama sat me aside one day, hugged and kissed me, and then said: “My sweet, darling Pedrito, I want to tell you something. There is a baby inside me. She will be there until one day when she comes out from my tummy to be with our family. Now, she will be very, very little. She will cry sometimes. When she is hungry, thirsty, or wet. But she will also sleep a lot. To grow. And you will get to know her every day. You will always be her big brother.” I was so excited to hear Mama’s words. A big brother! I could hardly wait to meet my little sister. Quite a while later, Mama came home with a bundle. Papa had stayed home with me. He rushed to the hallway and hugged Mom and gave a gentle kiss to the baby in her arms. “Come here, Pedrito, meet your little sister, Gabriela.”

Oh yes, I remembered Gabriela as a baby. My beautiful little sister with huge brown eyes. What is she doing now, I wondered. How is she now, I asked myself. And my tears began to flood down my face.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 1, 2025

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The Monster Under the Bed, a poem

the monster under the bed

the path to take was as visible as
our reflection on a clean mirror

an old being
of rapid cognitive decline,
a mere television personality,
bought by foreign power,
installed into the People’s House
by the same intruder . . . twice
while this time, also swimming
in the illegally-earned money
of his president,
a non-American billionaire

clueless in the most basic knowledge
about the matters of the world
and willfully ignorant of other countries,
an unalphabet in the history
of the United States,
unfit to govern even a 3rd world country

void of morals, ethics, and shame,
emptied of any sense of responsibility,
and full of overflowing hypocrisy

his veins and few brain cells
tainted in and feeding from
racism
bigotry
misogyny
hatred for all non-whites
strutting his overblown ego
deviant and highly skilled in corruption
deception and gaslighting
having exhausted all available
and potential crooked ways
through and through
throughout his life
vengeful
evil

a 34 times convicted felon
for crimes, including treason and rape
a chronic liar of notorious fame

and . . .
it breathes

Faust? Or Mephisto?

the monster under the bed

© hülya n. yılmaz, 12.24.2024

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“Assigned Existences” – A Poem

Assigned Existences

Somewhere
someone has the nerve
to draw on a blank canvas
a sketch of your life; yes, YOUR life,
dictating to you how to live.

The same canvas, then, is made public.
The sketched you now have a broadly-recognized image.
YOU yourself, however, have been silent all along.

Somewhere
another someone
takes it upon him-/herself
to lend you word fragments and poor grammar.

Utterly popular has become that song,
taped on your behalf in absentia.
The recorded you now have a broadly-recognized voice.
YOU yourself, however, have been silent all along.

When, do YOU think, will your existence
be worthy enough to begin to live
YOUR life per a design
created by YOU?  

* The poem, “Assigned Existences”, has been published in the June 2024 issue of The Year of the Poet, published by Inner Child Press International.

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“Like an Eagle”

An old poem . . .

Like an Eagle

İstanbul dons a large number of majestic forts.

Those structures from many ancient histories

May today not appear as powerful anymore,

But the debris alone suffice to astound
the willing eye through a mere peek
at the hauntingly mighty Bosphorus,
in sync with the influential breaths
that many civilizations of the past
have generously left in it to last.

I haven’t been there

in too long of a while;
in an empirical sense, that is.
Frequent visits

of my fertile imagination
have otherwise sated

my hunger and thirst.


My longing for the dead

who were left behind
and all my cravings

for the impeccable times
have been re-lived, time and again,
in harmony,
amid the scents of a caring love
ever so painstakingly.

I borrowed an eagle’s eye

on this special day,
then perched atop a bastion
and began to sway.

Palaces, tea houses, trolleys, Bazaars,
cafés, fishermen,
rare carpet – Kilim and antiquities-selling ambitious shops,
yachts, stately mosques,
the famed Dolmabahçe Sarai,
freighters, speed-boats, Hovercrafts,
scenic jogging paths
do not interest me in the least . . .
The eagle’s eye is a loan
for a refined delicacy.

I refuse to waste it for the mundane.

On the bottom of the Bosphorus,
all of a sudden,
underneath a recent undercurrent,
oh, so sullen!
Amid sea grass . . .

I spotted my brass keychain
of four distinctive keys.
On it, my elephant carried on.

I towed it heroically.
Its movable, pretty trunk
waved at me ecstatically.

I guided us all
to the astonishing Sinopian coasts,
to my breathtakingly serene flat-sanctuary . . .

But, I found, to my demise,
it no longer was there.

Only then, did i recall my dream

of last year,
on the night of the 2nd month’s 14th,

and . . .

my loaner eye wept.

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The Ills Are Taking Their Toll

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Contemplations

When Information Delivery Is Condemned

While reflecting on the process of the midterm elections, I felt the need for a distraction as numerous other people evidently do. I glanced over the news feed. A most recent controversy caught my attention – the key words being the name Kyrie Andrew Irving and “antisemitism”.

Amazon has been enabling the purchase of the bestseller documentary and book, titled “Hebrews to Negroes: Wake Up Black America” – the same information that Kyrie Andrew Irving has shared, and has been accused of “promoting false accusations” about Jews since his words came under the radar of activists and lobbyists.

If anyone could make sense of this inquisition of Mr. Irving, please explain via reason and accurate referencing. While you are at it, do justify – by providing a rational discussion – how his act of information delivery goes against freedom of speech.

As a Liberal Arts professor and researcher in the U.S. over 40 years, I resorted to a multitude of reference materials throughout my academic career – some of those instructional materials were controversial; others, not. My teachings as well as scholarly activities were completed by the book; that is, within the rules, regulations and policies of the higher education institutions where I have served with honor. In sum, delivering referenced information has never been anything to frown down upon. Quite the contrary, it was applauded indirectly for the vast educational contribution to critical thinking and analyses. So, I ask: Why is a thinking individual such as Kyrie Andrew Irving being condemned publicly for bringing a legally (and broadly) sold documentary and book? Could the reason possibly be lying within his skin hue?

hülya n. yılmaz, 10.11.2022

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My Introductory Note to My Upcoming Fictional Autobiography, “Once upon a Time in Turkey . . .”

A corner from my old home

In Turkish, my native tongue, there is an adage which etched itself on popular songs and citations: “Bir fincan kahvenin kırk yıl hatırı vardır.” ~ “One cup of [Turkish] coffee should bring to remembrance this person for 40 years.”

I wholeheartedly offer you my own demitasse of Turkish coffee (virtual realities are all that we have these days) before you embark on my memories of “once upon a time in Turkey”. Would you please accept my humble offering here for forty years to come? I promise that I will also serve you Turkish Delight to accompany this daily ritual of high significance in my country of birth.  

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Another Excerpt from “Once upon a Time in Turkey . . .”

Dad’s Wood Sandals

At his usual relaxed pace, my brother passes by Dad’s favorite chair. Destination: The television. Purpose: To change the channel. Objective . . . one swift kick, like that of a skilled soccer player, to the sandal on the bottom. Mission accomplished: Son, 1 – Father, 0. (Yet once again.)

“Hınzır oğlan!”

“Why do you call me a rascal, Dad? What did I do?” My brother Süleyman snickers.

            The first-born’s demolition of the father’s sandal-based footstool officially takes place.

The once barely-there grin turns into a broad smile on my brother’s handsome face. Mom and I cannot help but side with the winner. Dad plays his usual role and chastises my brother. Our conspiring threesome laughter spans over our living room like a thick cloud. “Hınzır oğlan!” Dad announces again. My brother cannot hold back his gut-laughs any longer. Proud of his repeated success, he practically hits the floor laughing. Mom and I, though with a bit more tact, are ready and willing to join him. Dad gives us a make-belief angry look at first, but joins in the fun soon after.

          “Baba, you know that I am going to get you each time. So, why do you still keep towering your sandals?”

          “Oğlum, my feet feel really good like this. I am very comfortable. Besides, it’s great for circulation. If you sit for a long period of time, your . . .”

Before Dad finishes his sentence, my brother is already out the door. He knows too well what’s coming up. Mom and I know it too: a set of mini-lectures by Dad about the health benefits of lifting up one’s legs during prolonged sitting-sessions. While the first-born begins to have the time of his life again with his basketball buddies just around the corner of our apartment building, Mom and I, the members of Dad’s captive audience, stay put – awaiting our doom. After one more of his pretend-angry “Hınzır oğlan!” outbursts, Dad talks on. But first, poised, he puts his sandals back into their original cooperative state: one on top of the other, each tucking in one foot in an envy-raising tenderness.

          “I got these in Germany during my first stay there. Prof. Lemerz told me then how wood was the healthiest way to go as far as footwear. He was an intelligent man in every which way. I learned so much from him. He always said to me that our care for our health must start with our feet. In spring, summer and autumn, he would wear open shoes only. Inside and outside. In winter, only wood sandals inside.”

Mom and I knew what the mere mention of Dad’s doctoral advisor’s name was going to cost us: an onslaught of many more assorted anecdotes. We just had to escape without hurting Dad’s feelings. Just at that moment, our kitchen made an announcement: dinner preparations were in order. Thankfully, Dad was not paying any attention to who remained as his audience . . .

By the way, did I mention that Dad absolutely loved everything “Made in Germany”? His totally worn-out wooden sandals, in particular.

****

Süleyman is a popular male name in Turkey. Historical context: Süleyman the Magnificent, Süleyman I or the Lawgiver (1494/1495-1566), Sultan of the Ottoman Empire from 1520 to 1566.

Hınzır oğlan: Rascal

Baba means “Dad” in Turkish.

Oğlum: My son

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“I Want My Poetry to . . .”

i want my poetry to
be a break from life

i want my poetry to
burn tears in your hearts
then bring them to the surface
before you decide you had better cave in
to the pain and suffering, etched ever so resiliently
in your past, present and future memories,
when it is time to have that wail explode
letting out that desperately patient standby, “enough!”

i want my poetry to

ease you then
into the arms of a selfless child-bearer
whose lullaby will tuck you in safely
under a snuggle-obsessed blanket-sleep,
after having raised you from a darkest deep
together with the gentlest touch of other souls
who learned to utter only the tongue of love . . .
their aura will entice you into a burial ground of ashes
where to lie to rest your ire and your innermost fears,
to shed all your chains to be free of also the grim tears
which have been fiercely carved on Earth
on its every hidden nook and cranny
since the birth of humanity

                                                i want my poetry to
be a break from life

welding with steel
the vital holes on your pails so frail
for you to be on your steadfast way,
to flood in the universe with no delay
its tamest of waters on nature’s path
will gather for you to help you cleanse
your self-unforgiving self-foremost
but will not let you forget all else
which you may have cursed in wrath . . .
they will amass for you serene drops of bliss
to bathe under each the bitter ghosts of your ills
chafing away your immense boulder’s mass
for a modest few little whiles at last

i want my poetry to
be a break from life

holding your hand
every time you must weather a storm
so that you know i too have been marred
the craftiest kind left me barren in all its might,
hail rushed and wedded bloodcurdling thunders . . .
lightening was only watching from afar at first,
but then it exalted their union in a raucous roar
even snow flurries of my most loyal delight
showered the procession in a sliest twist

i want my poetry to
be a break from life

wafting you in the end
inside a cloud that is mate to the mild zephyr
to undiscovered lands as well to the Seven Seas
to the faraway councils of breath-taking skies
to the communes on the many luminous moons
to the comet-ic homes of ancient curiosities
in pursuit of the suns of the Egyptians,
of the Hindu, the Chinese, the Japanese,
of the Greek, the Aztec, the African,
of the Navajo, the Inca, the Inuit,
of the Sumerian, the Roman

even though
i do not
sing of elation alone . . .

~ * ~

“Be a Break from Life” has first appeared in I Want My Poetry To . . . Volume 3, an international anthology published in March 2017 by Inner Child Press, Ltd.

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A Contemplation

I am contemplating . . . to have regular write-ups on my blog site in the near future. This post is only an invite as to what my dear friends and family consider to be a vital aspect in an intimate relationship. A thought from me on this matter: Sensitivity toward the partner’s concern about a previously visited irritating issue along with a resolution offer in a caring and keenly attentive manner in order for the trust factor to continue to remain untainted are a must. In sum: placing a cork on the partner’s bottle – full or half full – while s/he is still digesting the content/s will not relieve the tension as needed.

Note: Please do not conclude that this writing stems from a personal experience. I was reading an article on relationships, and thus was prompted to voice it. I am an analytical person. As one such, I prefer to bring important points to my own table to gain further insight.

Türkçe’ye Çeviri/In Turkish:

Buraya yakın bir gelecekte düzenli yazım eklemek düşüncesindeyim. Bugün yazdıklarım sadece siz, sevgili ailem ve arkadaşlarımı bir özel ilişki çerçevesinde neyi mutlak gördüğünüzü/bulduğunuzu benimle paylaşmak için size bir davet. Bu konuda bir görüşüm: İlişkideki kişilerden her birinin geçmişte üzerinde beraberce konuşulmuş tatsız (söz konusu olan tarafı rahatsız eden) bir konuda ciddiyetli bir dikkat, ilgi ve hassasiyet ile yaklaşmasının önemi yönünde. Özetle: Söz konusu olan taraf hala şişesinden içtiğini hazmetmeye çalışırken diğerinin o (tam ya da yarı dolu) şişeyi tıpayla kapatması soruna tek bir çözüm getirmez.

Not: Lütfen, bu yazımı kendi başımdan geçen bir durum üzerine dile döktüğüm sonucuna varmayın. Kadın-erkek ilişkileri hakkında bir makale okuyordum ve püf noktalarından bazılarını burada belirtmek istedim. Ben düzenli analiz yaparım. O özelliğimden dolayı da daha derin bir anlayışa varmak için bu tür benim için önemli yazıtları kendi masama taşırım.

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