Tag Archives: life

Privacy Settings

“One hour and ten minutes,” the young man says.  Huge round eyes.  He doesn’t need those long, curled-up eyelashes, I decide, with the attitude of myself about forty years ago.  This time keeping to myself what my best friend (of my childhood and early youth) and I back then protested out loud at every sight of her brother – the owner of a set of huge round eyes: long, curled-up eyelashes included.  Each time, we concluded that no man needed eye enhancers; we, however, did – and in desperation, at that.  We were in big envy for any and all of our male counterparts in those insecure years of our lives.  They just must have cut in front of the line when such beauty marks were distributed, we deliberated after such encounters.  Eyes, after all, meant everything in my home culture.    The history with volumes of literary and musical work attests to that.

One hour and ten minutes, I realize, is a long time just to be waitingMy friend (of this and any upcoming age) isn’t here yet and I don’t know if she would want to try elsewhere.  So, I squeeze myself through a shoulder-to-shoulder as well as elbow-to-upper/lower-back lobby crowd all the way into a one-and-a-half-person corner close to the entrance, somewhere between the exit-to-patio door and the line to the bar area.  If she thinks we should not wait here, we can leave with ease.

She likes it here as much as I do: We are staying.  Along with the non-wavering wait-time estimation.  We comment a little about what on earth could be going on – again –to have such a big crowd in line.  Our complaint is short-lived.  Soon, we get lost in our mother tongue with all its unwritten requirements for hands and face gestures.  Until a soft voiced question cuts it: “I’m sorry but what is the language you are speaking?”

Oh no!  Intrusion!  If this situation had risen on any of my friend’s social media accounts or those of mine, … .

Had we been talking with that much of an increased volume in our voices, my friend’s questioning eyes meet mine.  We had only been trying to outdo all other vocal power structures around us.  With a shaking twitter, I ask, if our conversation had been too loud for them.  The answer of this very good looking, young couple – yes, they talk together all at once – is negative.  They were only curious, is the word.  Now, my friend and I, too, succumb to curiosity.  Not about the English they are speaking in flawless mastery.  About them.  They started it after all!  Also: They don’t turn their backs at us as soon as they find out the language of communication between countless generations before us in our home country.

An inquisitive female – one of the two core components of a delightful pair.  He, not as talkative in words as she but sharing with us in generosity an equally warm and charming personality, while being openly as eager to interact with strangers who speak strange languages.  Neither one of them being nosy, pushy, or obnoxious but graceful in their apparent enthusiasm.  Turkish, French, Greek, Swedish, Mandarin, Vietnamese and Italian are the languages, and Turkey, Greece, Italy and China, the countries we visit together on a virtual tour.

Our seats are ready exactly one hour and five minutes later.  The young man with those remarkable eyes wasn’t exaggerating after all, for the sake of a surprise intended only for my friend and I.  By having our table be made ready for us sooner.  (When a woman has matured, finally to keep up with her biological age at least on occasion, she allows herself the luxury of self-tease even in a basic restaurant setting.  It is a far more wondrous of an experience when a dear friend meets her on that very same platform at the very same time.  The laughter that ensues such non-decodable secrecy is pure happiness.)

Stomach-hungry but with even hungrier eyes, we earn the privilege to be seated down.  Our eyes are searching for other diners being led into the dining quarters.  None of them resemble any of the two core halves of the couple we had the joy to meet and talk with for an entire hour (the five minutes had passed in our lonely one-and-half-person corner).  Throughout our wine, salad and dinner routine, we sum up with thirst the highlight of our long wait’s award.  We agree that this time it isn’t the food or wine of our usual selections.  As we have had many times before.  That it rather is the intrusion we welcomed two strangers to make into our private spheres.  For, through their refreshing presence of innocent and passionate curiosity, they gave us a sense of rejuvenation.

After that evening, I decide to alter my rather rigid privacy settings I had for long copied from my social media environments, having pasted them on to my real life time and again.  I since realize how much more wonder there is to enjoy in the seemingly most mundane interactions with strangers – people we tend to leave outside our comfort zone at any chance we get.  How, though, a kind word of attention, a question of curiosity, a reaction of astonishment from them can transform itself into a memorable moment as it has with me.  And to what significance that moment matters on the scale of life.  It is, after all, not merely breathed in and out but rather lived in the full extent that it deserves.

 

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To the One to Whom My Writing Mattered the Most

For how long did you feel that familiar pain inside whenever my birthday was nearing?  Were you always filled with mixed emotions of joy and sadness while you were preparing those love-filled celebrations for me?  Did you ever resent my unexpected presence in your womb for preventing you from your process of mourning?  You surely must have suppressed its extent for fear it would hurt me, your unborn yet.

It is that time of the year again.  In fact, I am writing this on the day my birth-month arrived.  And, once more, instead of any anticipation for anything good, I feel sadness taking over me.  With all its usual might.  I suspected it then, I suspect it now: I must have taken in your immense internal suffering over your mom’s dying, while transforming into a human form inside you –  the way it is claimed we register music and words from the outside at our pre-birth stage.  Whatever it is, I don’t look forward to my birthday.  I haven’t in a very long time.

But, I have some good news, ‎mom: I am writing!  Maybe not in the way you had always wanted me to write but, still, I am writing!  You see, mom, I am leaving something concrete for my daughter after all.  A hands-on memory you seemed to have wanted me to create for us, for myself and for my future offspring.  I am so sorry for not having understood back then probably the only reason behind your fierce desire for me to sit down and write down my memories.  I should have known how belittling you would have found the way you were forced to be remembered: With a chiseled generic note on concrete stone.  In a somewhat privileged very old family cemetery compound but still, in a place where visitors are at risk of stepping on someone else’s grave, already three decades ago.

I felt so guilty, mom, for having been away for so long.  I still do.  I always knew how lost I would be in that place.  Still.  Then, there came along a news blog post by Eric Pfeiffer: A man’s dog not leaving his owner’s grave for  years.  In my shame, inspiration for a Haiku came to me.  Back then; I had no idea about this poetic form the Japanese gifted us with.  I am very new at my experimentation with it but like the prescribed form very much.  Besides, every time I try to compose one, Tunç dayım enters my heart with his repeated passionate plea to you, and then, I smile: “Please, please, Hesiko, don’t let Hülya marry someone from here.  I’m telling you: the Japanese are such refined gentlemen.  With Hülya’s extreme emotional sensitivity, only a Japanese man can do her justice as her husband.”  Anyway, mom, here is that poem:

in mourning

my mother’s grave, lost

too many look alikes since then

yet, his dog finds his

Just like you become alive in my memories, I, too, will live on in my daughter’s.  With one distinction: I don’t want your granddaughter to have a lingering reminder of the physical loss of her mother.  So, long ago, I determined my post-death matters and my wish is official.  This subject is, of course, a difficult one.  With you, it was taboo.  My choice in this matter is still far from being a conversation piece with your granddaughter – whom you would have respected for everything she represents but also for her immensely versatile life-view and acceptance and understanding of any and all of my differences.  The earth-shattering shock I lived after you is an experience I don’t want my daughter to go through.  Therefore, along the way, I have been gathering real-life evidences to leave behind as to how one can find peace after the loss of a mother – a book, a film and words of wisdom from different world cultures.  My latest find, Megan’s Way, is a novel by Melissa Foster and it equals to what I define as “eerie”: It is as if the author had known many from those sorrowful specifics of our lives.  I remember how impressed you always were with the amount of my readings, and how well you thought I could sum up their contents.  I am not going to tell you more about my newest discovery, though.  Instead, I will wind down my letter to you, holding on to my fantasy powers to imagine you are here to listen to me.

I know from dad how sad you were at first to have born a daughter – having witnessed your mother’s loss of her battle against cancer before my birth.  I have surpassed that dooms-day-age, mom, when our losses to cancer happened for several generations.  Including you.

I was never given the chance to say goodbye to you, mom.  I wrote about it in a story.  This time, I am the one who chooses not to bid farewell.  In about two weeks, you will have welcomed me to your arms way back when with a “hello”.  Today, I only need that warm welcome from you to let it accompany me before, on and well after my birthday yet once again.

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Rumi (1207 – 1273)

You were born with potential.
You were born with goodness and trust.
You were born with ideals and dreams.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings.
You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.
You have wings.
Learn to use them and fly.

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Shakespeare (1564-1616)

I always feel happy.  Do you know, why?  Because, I expect nothing from anyone.  Expectations always cause a hurt.  Life is short.  Therefore, love life.  Be happy and continue to smile.  Live only for yourself and; – Listen before you talk, – Think before you write, – Earn before you spend, – forgive before you pray, – feel before you hurt someone, – Love before you hate, – Try before you give up, – Live before you die.  Such is life.  Feel it, live it and like it.

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Steven Paul Jobs (1955-2011)

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary.

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Heraclitus (ca. 540 – ca. 480 BCE)

One cannot step twice in the same river.

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Socrates (470-399 BCE)

The unexamined life is not worth living.”

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Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

“To live is like to love–all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.”


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Japanese Proverb

“Life without endeavor is like entering a jewel mine and coming out with empty hands.”

 


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Jean de la Bruyere (1645-1696)

“Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.”


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