For how long did you feel that familiar pain inside whenever my birthday was nearing? Were you always filled with mixed emotions of joy and sadness while you were preparing those love-filled celebrations for me? Did you ever resent my unexpected presence in your womb for preventing you from your process of mourning? You surely must have suppressed its extent for fear it would hurt me, your unborn yet.
It is that time of the year again. In fact, I am writing this on the day my birth-month arrived. And, once more, instead of any anticipation for anything good, I feel sadness taking over me. With all its usual might. I suspected it then, I suspect it now: I must have taken in your immense internal suffering over your mom’s dying, while transforming into a human form inside you – the way it is claimed we register music and words from the outside at our pre-birth stage. Whatever it is, I don’t look forward to my birthday. I haven’t in a very long time.
But, I have some good news, mom: I am writing! Maybe not in the way you had always wanted me to write but, still, I am writing! You see, mom, I am leaving something concrete for my daughter after all. A hands-on memory you seemed to have wanted me to create for us, for myself and for my future offspring. I am so sorry for not having understood back then probably the only reason behind your fierce desire for me to sit down and write down my memories. I should have known how belittling you would have found the way you were forced to be remembered: With a chiseled generic note on concrete stone. In a somewhat privileged very old family cemetery compound but still, in a place where visitors are at risk of stepping on someone else’s grave, already three decades ago.
I felt so guilty, mom, for having been away for so long. I still do. I always knew how lost I would be in that place. Still. Then, there came along a news blog post by Eric Pfeiffer: A man’s dog not leaving his owner’s grave for years. In my shame, inspiration for a Haiku came to me. Back then; I had no idea about this poetic form the Japanese gifted us with. I am very new at my experimentation with it but like the prescribed form very much. Besides, every time I try to compose one, Tunç dayım enters my heart with his repeated passionate plea to you, and then, I smile: “Please, please, Hesiko, don’t let Hülya marry someone from here. I’m telling you: the Japanese are such refined gentlemen. With Hülya’s extreme emotional sensitivity, only a Japanese man can do her justice as her husband.” Anyway, mom, here is that poem:
my mother’s grave, lost
too many look alikes since then
yet, his dog finds his
Just like you become alive in my memories, I, too, will live on in my daughter’s. With one distinction: I don’t want your granddaughter to have a lingering reminder of the physical loss of her mother. So, long ago, I determined my post-death matters and my wish is official. This subject is, of course, a difficult one. With you, it was taboo. My choice in this matter is still far from being a conversation piece with your granddaughter – whom you would have respected for everything she represents but also for her immensely versatile life-view and acceptance and understanding of any and all of my differences. The earth-shattering shock I lived after you is an experience I don’t want my daughter to go through. Therefore, along the way, I have been gathering real-life evidences to leave behind as to how one can find peace after the loss of a mother – a book, a film and words of wisdom from different world cultures. My latest find, Megan’s Way, is a novel by Melissa Foster and it equals to what I define as “eerie”: It is as if the author had known many from those sorrowful specifics of our lives. I remember how impressed you always were with the amount of my readings, and how well you thought I could sum up their contents. I am not going to tell you more about my newest discovery, though. Instead, I will wind down my letter to you, holding on to my fantasy powers to imagine you are here to listen to me.
I know from dad how sad you were at first to have born a daughter – having witnessed your mother’s loss of her battle against cancer before my birth. I have surpassed that dooms-day-age, mom, when our losses to cancer happened for several generations. Including you.
I was never given the chance to say goodbye to you, mom. I wrote about it in a story. This time, I am the one who chooses not to bid farewell. In about two weeks, you will have welcomed me to your arms way back when with a “hello”. Today, I only need that warm welcome from you to let it accompany me before, on and well after my birthday yet once again.
2 responses to “To the One to Whom My Writing Mattered the Most”
Beautiful and sad. But I think your Mom is very proud of you…especially this month. Thank you for your thoughtful reflections
My sincere thanks to you again for visiting, dear Kathy. As for your kind words, I always appreciate anything you have to say to me. With my gratitude for your readership!