excessive now?
did one of them hit you in the heart again
do they already find you unnecessary
your shaky voice won’t let me be
with that beloved’s passing
last march had brought me my first regret
of having potted my roots here
my second followed today
when you almost apologized
for having lived this long
honoring your four siblings who died before you
adding how your youngest the only sister
still breathes together with her many grandchildren
whose longevity you then wished upon me
a faint hope for the women in our family
in all your ninety years
you grew up very little dad
loving but a self-centered man
high-maintenance
as the modern label goes
why did you have to catch up with it all
in one day
today
on the phone
i am not like them at all that you know
is that why you reassured me over and over
how well you are doing on your own all alone . . .
thirty years younger but i am unwell too many times
i also grew very little dad
loving but a self-centered one
perhaps not as high-maintenance
nonetheless a daughter of your essence
since the time our pillar collapsed
then much more recently
when you two fell apart
you have shifted to a deepness
he won’t come back he cannot
she however may return soon
it hasn’t been that long yet
why though are you in such hurry
with no fair warning in advance
but plenty of subtle goodbyes to me
are you telling yourself what i used to hear you say
“aloneness is reserved only for God”
please don’t you also rush while i’m so far away
i agonize over your loneliness
how it befell upon you this late in life
did you really not hear me well when i asked . . .
they are merely a few blocks from you
yet choose not to be there
and you already stopped forgiving yourself
while you grant them forgiveness in abundance
i just wish so very desperately
you wouldn’t have to hurt this much
that you could cease to grow up at once
and to forgive me for everything i couldn’t be for you
would you possibly throw in a sixty-year-long hug or two
© hülya n. yılmaz, 2.12.2016
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Like last week’s poem, also this one appeared as one of my three poetry contributions for the March 2016 issue of The Year of the Poet III, a monthly international anthology published by Inner Child Press, Ltd. and consists of poems by eighteen writers, with between two and three featured new poets each month.
hülyaswritings 