sitting still,
body, numbed,
knowing that neither a taser
nor a bullet touched it . . .
feeling safe in the color of my skin
no one has despised or violated
any aspect of my external humanness . . .

sitting still,
spirit, in grave despair,
crying me the longest river on Earth
the at-my-face pain and suffering
of my co-human beings
have eras ego been the writing on the wall for me –
a succinct display of one of the ugliest barbaric timelines,
of a collective guilt- and shame-canvas,
cloaked in a hooded “patriotic” cape
of the palest hue of white
a sight, i no longer can bear  

sitting still,
mind, convoluted,
incapable of making any sense of it all –
all that which is taking place
again and again
and then . . .
once again

as i sit still,
mind, body and spirit
immersed in convolutions,
my decades-long readings
come back to haunt me repeatedly;
for, those supposedly learn-ed
and often-regurgitated pages
cannot even begin to compare
to anything that has been unfolding
right before my eyes in this century,
as long as i have lived consciously
for a considerably extended period of time, that is,
and not just once, twice, thrice . . .
but again, again and again

what continues to dominate
the stance of the willfully ignorant –
ordinary people as well as the powers that be?
an age-old prejudice,
words of unconditional condemnation,
extremely negative stereotypes,
blatant injustice in the name of justice,
self-justifying acts of discrimination,
self-justifying acts of selective violence,
a wholehearted condoning of brutal murders
that are being committed against each soul
who happens to not share
my skin’s particular hue

on and on, i ponder the events that transpire here and now
in the hope that a poem will eventually emerge
from the innermost turmoil
which each of my living cells senses to the core
having become a second skin,
my anguish weighs heavily on me,
it tears up and cries me the longest river on Earth
while my petite, fragile external frame
is faced with the onus of climbing a mountain
so massive that nothing which had prepared my self
mentally, psychologically, emotionally,
and spiritually in many a period of time before
comes even close to sufficing to serve
as a source of comfort for me anymore

i then remember a calming fact,
namely that there is also a most powerful side of me:
an all-empowering monozygotic pregnancy!
it doesn’t take me long at all to realize
that only the true “i” in me can carry my twins full-term
as can you through the “i” in you!
once born, our twins, Aequitas and Justitia
will begin their peaceful reign of goodness and truth
whatever is needed for an all-inclusive humanity,
they will instill in the hearts and minds of our youth

i am not the one to judge
if a poem has, indeed, materialized from my words
as for their impact – if any – it will remain unknown
but of one outcome i am absolutely sure:
i no longer feel any despair;
for, that self-defeating state of existence
is replaced by a boldly deep resolve
in which i unhesitatingly let myself dissolve
it is there where Ludwig Uhland’s painless joy
cuddles me with a kissing breeze:

“Oh fresh scent, oh new sound!
Now, poor heart, fear not!
Now everything, everything must change.”

no more!

*This poem represents but one of the dynamics within humanity that is screaming for a need of change . . . bias, bigotry, racism.

~ ~ ~
This poem has appeared in W. A. R. ~ We Are Revolution, an international anthology of poetry and critical essays published on September 20, 2020 by Inner Child Press International.


Filed under Poetry, Reflections

6 responses to ““convoluted”

  1. Dear Hulya my respected, gifted sister of a consciousness that is still evolving, evident in your deep artistic expression exhibited in this extraordinary piece ” Convoluted ” a title that is a befitting description of the deep seeded emotions residing in your soul. The very definition of convoluted: complicated, involved, twisted, coiled etc. reflects turmoil, disturbance, unease internally that can not be ignored. These feelings agitate, stir up so you will not be at ease if you don’t address them. You’re blessed with the artistic ability to have a vehicle to address these feelings that constitute the makeup of your soul. Most don’t possess this gift so they deal with deep rooted feelings inadequately never fullfilling the need to confront them head on and allow them to air out, exposed, expressed and shared with fellow humanbeings that can benifit. Your sincerity in the construct that is at the heart of the piece is refreshing. The state of affairs we face presently has rubbed your heart and soul the wrong way thus your soul cries out and must be heard. It has been heard mission accomplished.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have read your utterly moving comment with my heart. That all the emotions, reflections, and contemplation my soul screamed out are heard, as you say, is an irreplaceable gift for me. You have recognized the agony of the “deep seated emotions residing in [my] soul” through your incredible soul. I am grateful to you for understanding me, for seeing through the facade, for hearing my heartbeats.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. justbill12

    I personally on behalf of all marginalized and disenfranchised sectors of humanity thank you for having the courage to share your consciousness. Sadly, we are at a juncture of human existence where voices such as yours are required as well as hopeful, that as a species we can begin once again approach the ideological perspectives of values of humanity. I thank you once again. 🤲🏿💗

    Liked by 2 people

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