Tag Archives: life

April 11, 2025 · 8:10 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE. Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 30

February 20, 2025

Long after the bodies were carried out, Alejandro, Diego and Jose were still on their knees on the concrete floor crying. I thought about my little sister Gabriela who was all alone. Gabriel and I joined the brothers and hugged each of them tightly. Our “Brothers Club” continued to mourn. A little while later, we heard Mr. Matias’ voice: “Boys, I am very sorry for your loss. I know it is very hard, but please try to get yourselves together. You must leave this area now.”

We all got up, and started to walk. The 3 brothers were dragging their feet. When they got to their beds, they collapsed. Their cries grew louder. I asked them if they wanted water. “Thanks, Pedrito,” Jose said, “nothing for us.”

I quietly went to my bed. I sat on the edge and Gabriel lied down. He was hugging his blanket. I don’t know how long but some time passed, and the megaphone was turned on again: “ATTENTION EVERYONE! We are sorry to have to do this but we have more bad news for some of you. The sad information came to us a few minutes ago. Please listen very carefully. This is about 189 of your parents or guardians. About a month ago, they were taken to a hangar not far from here. They stayed there until last night when they boarded a plane to be taken to another state. Unfortunately, the plane crashed right after take-off. We were told that there were no survivors and that all passengers had first been picked up from their homes during the week of January 22nd through January 29th. So, if any of these dates involve your family . . .”

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Alejandro was first to rush to Pedrito who fell unconscious to the floor. He called his name repeatedly, touched his face, caressed his hair, and gently shook his shoulders, trying to wake him up. Pedrito didn’t move an inch. Gabriel was in panic. He started crying hard. Between his sobs, he was calling out to his beloved Pedrito. Seeing him still unconscious, Alejandro ran to the front of the building, shouting “help” all the way there. Now, Diego and Jose were trying to get Pedrito to wake up.

While they all waited for someone to come and help, Gabriel stopped his cries. He had just remembered Pedrito’s notebook. All of them knew about the notebook. They had seen their friend write in it every day. Gabriel handed it over to Jose who opened the first page and read the date out loud: “Wednesday, January 22, 2025.”

© hülya n. yılmaz, March 10, 2025

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April 9, 2025 · 1:17 am

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE. Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 29

February 19, 2025

I couldn’t take my eyes away from Alejandro, Diego and Jose all night long. As always, Gabriel was in my bed. He didn’t fall asleep as fast as he did on other nights, but when he finally did, he looked like he was sleeping hard.

I was startled by the loud sound of the megaphone. I must have slept for a while. When I opened my eyes, Gabriel was standing by the bed, watching me. Alejandro, Diego, and Jose were all sitting together on the edge of one of their beds.

“ATTENTION EVERYONE! I am sorry but some of the sick boys didn’t make it through the night. We have a list of all those whose bodies will be taken to the building’s side gate. If you hear the name or names of a sibling, please walk slowly to the breakfast tables. We now know what the sick boys have is highly contagious. So, unfortunately, we cannot allow you to get close to the bodies. You can watch them being carried out.”

I heard Mama use a phrase once in my school’s library when she was talking to Papa: “Samuel, you could hear a pin drop.” I now understood clearly what she said. There was absolute silence in the entire building. As for the 5 of us, it was as if we were not even breathing. We were frozen in our tracks.

The guard read 25 names. Just when we hoped that there were no more, we all heard him continue: “Alexander Gomez, Stefano Ruarez, Jesu Garcia, and Jesu Gonzalez.”

My dear friends, the three brothers, let out an ear-piercing scream all at once when they heard the last name. That Jesu was their precious little brother. This was the first time I learned their family name. I saw how the knees of the Gonzalez brothers buckled, how they all hit the concrete floor with a loud thud. Each of them was wailing in agony.

I just stood there and watched them. Gabriel clung to me more than ever before. He was too little to say or do anything for them other than keeping quiet. As for me, I froze up, I felt so very empty and helpless. I felt numb, completely numb. The only sign of my feelings for Alejandro, Diego and Jose were the tears running down my face.

©

hülya n. yılmaz, March 9, 2025

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March 2, 2025 · 1:01 am

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 20

February 10, 2025

All 6 of us just sat on our spots on the floor all morning and all afternoon without speaking. I was sure that the same question was going through our minds: When will they announce who stays and who goes?

The announcement came before long: “ATTENTION EVERYONE! The busses are here. When you hear your name, come to the front of the building QUICKLY! Take your blankets with you. You won’t get one in the other facility! Right here where you picked up your food this morning, YOU WILL FORM A LINE AND WAIT INSIDE UNTIL WE TELL YOU TO WALK OUT TO THE BUSSES!”

I couldn’t count all us children here all these days. I wasn’t tall enough. Also, whenever I tried, not everyone was standing. Many were sitting, and I couldn’t possibly see how many were sitting on another one’s lap, or how many were at the boulder. I wish I knew our total number here. I could then count the name calls, and know how many more names were left. They said, “Half of you.” I just wish I knew how many of us made “half.”

None of us had any idea how much time went by. We were all nervous, moving our feet back and forth. Our hands were shaking. We didn’t say a word while we waited. We were too afraid to miss our names.

“HERE ARE THE LAST 20 . . .” I had a very hard time breathing before this last call. I began to feel much worse when the announcement came. Did the guard start reading the names very, very slowly all of a sudden, or was I getting more and more anxious?

We were all hoping desperately that they won’t separate us. Our names were not among the 15 that the guard read out loud. He was now down to the last 5: “Stefano Martinez, Antonio Martinez, Alejandro Alcaraz, Diego Alcaraz, and Pedrito Diaz.”

We were in shock. We couldn’t believe that our group wasn’t going to be together anymore. It was good, of course, that I would be with Alejandro and Diego but how about our dear Jose and the little darlings, Jesu and Gabriel? How could Jose be there for both Jesu and Gabriel? How could he make them feel secure, and be enough to help them when they need something?

I thought of that horrible night when several men in uniform came to my home and forced us into a black van. I remembered the exact moment when the van stopped, how Mama and Papa were pushed out, and how fast the van left them behind. I thought of the terror I saw in my little sister Gabriela’s eyes and her wailing when a woman in uniform grabbed her hand that was tightly holding mine, and dragged her away from me.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 21, 2025

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February 28, 2025 · 12:13 am

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 18

February 8, 2025

I tried to sleep, as Mama told me in my dream several days ago. I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time. I was too cold. The blanket was too small and thin to keep me warm. I was very hungry. There just was never enough food. I was too thirsty. Our shared water was running out. My body was aching so much from sitting on the concrete every day and lying on it every night. Then there was the toilet problem. I was praying each night that I wouldn’t need to go to the boulder.

I thought of Mama’s yummy food and homemade bread for each of our meals, and the special desserts she baked for us for the weekends. I could smell the sweet warm milk that Mama would make for us at nighttime after reading us a bedtime story. Papa would then come into our room and say the same thing every night: “Buenas noches a los dos. ¡Sueño profundo! ¡No dejes que te piquen las chinches!” (Good night, you two. Sleep tight! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!)

I miss my home. I miss it so very much. I miss my baby sister, Gabriela. I miss my parents’ hugs and kisses. I miss their arms around me, their gentle touch and kisses on my forehead and cheeks so much that I want to just cry and cry and cry.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 19, 2025

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February 27, 2025 · 12:06 am

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 17

February 7, 2025

At dinner time, we looked for Mr. Matias. He wasn’t there, so we picked up our food from another table. “HURRY UP,” yelled a guard, “we don’t have all night!” Dinner was the same as many times before, 1 banana, 1 slice of bread, and a bottle of water. “The water must last you until tomorrow evening,” he reminded us.

Also this time, off to the cold concrete we went. Also this time, off to the boulder we went. We all missed our families a lot. We talked for a little bit about our families. The brothers spoke about their sister, Lucette. “Where did they take her? Is she okay? Does she also sleep on a concrete floor? Does she have a blanket at least?” Each of them had a question. Sadness was all over their faces. Even little Jesu looked sad when he heard his older brothers speak about Lucette. “I have the same questions every day and every night,” I joined their talk, and then hugged Gabriel as if he was my sweet little sister Gabriela. “I often dream about Mama and Papa,” I added, “twice, my dream felt so real that I even talked to Mama out loud because I thought she was actually here.” I heard all the brothers sigh. We then said “good night” to each other, and settled in our small places on the floor. Gabriel scooted over to my spot more so than other nights.

I stayed awake for a while. I had many questions on my mind again. What will tomorrow be like? Will we get beds? Will they start giving us lunch? Will there be more food for dinner?

Will we ever get to see our families again? I really want to go back home.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 18, 2025

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February 26, 2025 · 11:46 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 16

February 6, 2025

After breakfast, all 6 of us formed a circle on the floor. “I wonder if we’ll get our beds today,” said Alejandro. Diego asked: “When was the announcement about them? I can’t remember exactly but it has been at least a few days.” None of us could remember exactly. Following the hotdog day when many of us got sick, it had become more difficult to sleep on the concrete floor. We were all looking forward to the day when the beds would arrive.

“I’m very thirsty,” said Gabriel. He couldn’t save his water until this evening as we were told yesterday. I offered him my bottle immediately. Jose told me to stop, “I have an idea,” he added, “let’s pour all our remaining water into two bottles. We will then distribute the same amount to each of us whenever needed.” We gave him our water bottles. He first took Gabriel’s empty bottle, and filled it up. There wasn’t much water left in the rest of the bottles. Jose poured all the remaining water into one bottle.

Gabriel said right away: “I am thirsty. Can I please have some water now?” Jose spoke: “We each will have an allowance of water.” Gabriel asked, “how much can I have?” Jose answered, “Go ahead, take sips to the count of four.”

My mind got stuck on the word “allowance,” and I thought about the money my parents gave me. They gave me 2 dollars every day for my school lunch, and 2 dollars for the weekends for my chores.

I always saved the money Mama and Papa gave me, then gave it all back to them on Sundays. I repeated that every week. “No, our darling Pedrito, you keep your allowance. One day, you might need that money. Keep it safe,” was Mama’s response every single time.

“Did you all get allowances from your parents?” I asked the brothers. “Yes, except for Jesu, since he doesn’t go to school yet,” Alejandro answered. Hearing that, Gabriel told us he didn’t get an allowance either, that he also will once he starts school.

I wish we all had our money with us so that we could buy more water and food.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 16, 2025

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February 25, 2025 · 11:38 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 15

February 5, 2025

I woke up to a quiet hangar. It looked like everyone was asleep. I thought of the baby. The last time I heard her cries was yesterday afternoon. Why would they take a baby from the mother? Babies need special care. I know it from Mama’s tender care of Gabriela. Who would separate a baby and a mother? Why?

All these questions on my mind stopped when I saw Gabriel’s arms stretched into the air. His eyes were still closed. “Mama, Papa, I’m cold. Hold me!” He was sleeping next to me. I hugged him tightly. “It’s okay, Gabriel. I’m here. Everything is going to be okay.” He opened his tearful eyes, sat up and hugged me back so very tightly. “We will be okay, right Pedrito?” He was looking intensely into my eyes. “Yes, Gabriel. Yes, we will be okay!”

“Gabriel, do you need to pee before breakfast?” I asked him. “Yes! I need to pee a lot!” We both rushed to the back gates and from there toward the boulder. The guards knew the drill. So, they let us be. I stood a little away from the boulder like I did other times. I wanted to give Gabriel some privacy. I took a few steps when Gabriel shrieked: “Pedrito, what is this white stuff? I’m so scared!” I then heard one of the guards answer him: “That’s to cover over your number 2s. Nothing to be scared about!”

When it was my turn, I told Gabriel to wait for me up close. The smell was still horrible but it wasn’t as strong as before.

On our way to the back gates, I saw two guards talking. One of them was the woman whom I saw soon after my arrival here, the same woman who was holding a crying baby in her arms. This time, she had some kind of a bundle in her arms. The man asked her: “What’s this?” She told him not to be that loud, then answered: “She died last night. She was miserable anyway. She wasn’t taking her bottle anymore.”

I so wished I hadn’t heard all this. Worse! Gabriel also heard everything. I held his hand and hurried back to our corner. “Pedrito, what does ‘died’ mean?” I tried to hide my sadness from him but he saw it on my entire face. I quickly changed the subject: “Are you hungry, Gabriel? Breakfast will be soon. I am so very hungry!” He didn’t repeat his question, he answered mine: “Yes, Pedrito! I am very hungry!”

After all of us got our usual food and Gabriel was already eating his, I whispered to Alejandro’s ear: “Remember the baby that was crying a lot? She died last night. Gabriel heard the guards but I distracted him. You will tell your brothers, right?” Alejandro whispered the sad news into Diego’s ears. He did the same to Jose. They always treated Jesu, their youngest, like Gabriel. So, Jesu was saved from finding out the baby’s death.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 5, 2025

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February 24, 2025 · 11:29 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 14

February 4, 2025

I was feeling very tired and cold. I lied down but not on my blanket like I did almost every night so far. I put it over me this time. My body was aching all over. The cold concrete floor made me ache even more. I badly needed to sleep. In my sleep, I wouldn’t feel the cold. Also, maybe I could dream about Mama again.

I woke up to my little friend’s voice: “Pedrito, we are all going to the boulder. Do you need to pee?” I hadn’t eaten anything, and I didn’t drink from my water. “No, Gabriel. Thank you. You all go ahead. I’m going to try to sleep more.” Gabriel rushed to the brothers with a quick “You’re welcome!”

I fell asleep again. “Pedrito, my darling, are you okay?” Mama was in my dream again. “Mama, I feel sick,” I told her. “My poor darling! Think about your warm bed in our home, and remember how I took care of you and Gabriela whenever both of you were sick.” I woke up with tears on my face. I remembered how Mama would make us a delicious winter soup when my sister and I were sick at the same time. She would sit by us until we finished the thick soup, then she would cover us with our thick comforters.

I looked at the puny blanket over me. The cement floor was making me feel very cold all over again. How was Gabriela doing, I wondered. Was she eating? Was she sleeping? Did she have children by her who were caring like the brothers? I felt desperate to see her but there was nothing I could do.

I just could not understand why people were doing this to our family. Who was doing this? Why were Mama and Papa taken away from Gabriela and me? Why couldn’t Gabriela and me stay together? Why do we have to sleep on the floor? Why do we have to use the big boulder as a toilet? Why are we not getting regular food? When is this all going to end?

My tears flooded down my chin.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 14, 2025

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February 23, 2025 · 11:22 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 13

February 3, 2025

“Pedrito, time to sleep, my darling.” I was crying all night long. I sat up, looked around but couldn’t see Mama. It was her voice. “Mama, where are you? I missed you so very much!” I heard her voice again: “My darling Pedrito, we are all fine, your Papa, me, and your little sister.” I stood up and looked around again. Mama wasn’t anywhere. I started crying harder. I must have dreamed the whole thing. How could she be here? I saw how she and Papa were forced out of the van that night. I also saw how Gabriela and I were harshly separated from each other.

I lied down. All I could hear now was my sobbing. I closed my eyes tightly and hoped to have the same dream. The next thing I know was the loud announcement on the megaphone. We were told to form our lines for breakfast. My stomach was still hurting, not too much, just a little. I didn’t know if I could eat anything.

The brothers were all ready to do their daily walk toward food. Gabriel was still asleep. I gently touched him on the shoulder and told him that we had to get our breakfast. He had a hard time first gathering himself but then he was quickly ready to get on his feet. I picked up my food to give it to Gabriel in our corner.

While the brothers and my little friend were eating, another announcement came through the megaphone: “ATTENTION EVERYONE! Today, army cot beds might be delivered. We’ll tell you if they arrive as scheduled. Be ready for further instructions!”

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 13, 2025

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February 22, 2025 · 11:07 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 12

February 2, 2025

Soon after dinner, my stomach started to hurt. I asked everyone in our group if they noticed anything strange. Everyone answered with a “yes,” except for Gabriel who still had not eaten his hotdog. We all were given a hot dog, a slice of bread and a bottle of water for dinner. The guards told us the water had to last until tomorrow evening.

We started having cramps. There was loud moaning in the entire hangar. It looked like many of us children were getting sick. I was terrified when I felt a number 2 coming on. I rushed toward the back gates but saw that there were many other children already in line. My stomach was hurting very badly from holding it in and I saw that I was not the only one.

By the time my turn came, I ran to the boulder as fast as I could. The smell was terrible. It was much worse than after our pee sessions but I didn’t care. I just was glad that I didn’t poop in my pajamas.

Before I returned to my usual spot, an announcement came through the megaphone: “Listen carefully! If you didn’t eat your hotdog yet, DO NOT EAT IT! Many among you had a problem with their hotdogs. So, DO NOT EAT YOURS!”

I was relieved to know all along that Gabriel was still holding his hotdog in his hand. Being so little, he might have gotten sicker than we older children did.

A little while later, my stomach wasn’t hurting as much anymore. All 6 of us sipped from our water bottles. We took only a few sips. We knew the water had to last us until tomorrow evening. We said each other “good night” and tried to fall asleep on our empty stomachs.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 10, 2025

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