Tag Archives: grief

March 1, 2025 · 12:30 am

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 19

February 9, 2025

I don’t know how much longer I stayed up last night. I was just waking up, when I heard the loud announcement on the megaphone. “LISTEN CAREFULLY! Half of you will be moved to a smaller facility with a bathroom this afternoon. It will be a long ride. You must take care of your toilet needs here. When we announce that the busses are ready, we will call out your names. You will form a line quickly, and take your blankets with you. Now, get your breakfast!”

“Half of” us will go, the rest of us will stay, but which half would be in the count? All 6 of us looked for Mr. Matias anxiously. He was kind to us. We would ask him to please not separate us. He wasn’t at his usual table. We looked around a little longer, but we didn’t see him anywhere. “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? MOVE!” A very angry voice ordered us to move, and we did so immediately.

We formed our usual circle on the floor. No one was speaking. What if they separated us? No one was eating. We were all afraid. Only after some time passed, we slowly finished our breakfast.

I was so very worried about my possible separation from Gabriel and the brothers. First, they took Mama and Papa from my little sister and me. They then took Gabriela from me. And now maybe my dear friends?

Gabriel had laid his head on my lap as soon as he finished his food. I was just sitting on the floor without saying anything. Gabriel then lifted his little head up, and said: “Pedrito, you won’t leave me, promise! We will be together, promise!” I stroked his long curly hair. “My dear Gabriel, I am going to ask the guards to please keep us together. I promise. I will ask them many many times.”

Gabriel put his head back on my lap, and I watched the brothers. Alejandro and Jose were looking at each other without speaking. I could see their anxiety on their faces. Diego had his arm on Jesu’s tiny shoulder. I heard him say, “we will be okay, Jesu. Everything is going to be okay. I want you not to worry, promise?” Jesu hugged Diego, and said softly, “I promise.”

How was everything going to be okay? Nothing was up to us. The guards were going to call out our names. What if the 6 of us would no longer be the 6 of us?

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 20, 2025

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February 28, 2025 · 12:13 am

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 18

February 8, 2025

I tried to sleep, as Mama told me in my dream several days ago. I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time. I was too cold. The blanket was too small and thin to keep me warm. I was very hungry. There just was never enough food. I was too thirsty. Our shared water was running out. My body was aching so much from sitting on the concrete every day and lying on it every night. Then there was the toilet problem. I was praying each night that I wouldn’t need to go to the boulder.

I thought of Mama’s yummy food and homemade bread for each of our meals, and the special desserts she baked for us for the weekends. I could smell the sweet warm milk that Mama would make for us at nighttime after reading us a bedtime story. Papa would then come into our room and say the same thing every night: “Buenas noches a los dos. ¡Sueño profundo! ¡No dejes que te piquen las chinches!” (Good night, you two. Sleep tight! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!)

I miss my home. I miss it so very much. I miss my baby sister, Gabriela. I miss my parents’ hugs and kisses. I miss their arms around me, their gentle touch and kisses on my forehead and cheeks so much that I want to just cry and cry and cry.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 19, 2025

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February 27, 2025 · 12:06 am

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 17

February 7, 2025

At dinner time, we looked for Mr. Matias. He wasn’t there, so we picked up our food from another table. “HURRY UP,” yelled a guard, “we don’t have all night!” Dinner was the same as many times before, 1 banana, 1 slice of bread, and a bottle of water. “The water must last you until tomorrow evening,” he reminded us.

Also this time, off to the cold concrete we went. Also this time, off to the boulder we went. We all missed our families a lot. We talked for a little bit about our families. The brothers spoke about their sister, Lucette. “Where did they take her? Is she okay? Does she also sleep on a concrete floor? Does she have a blanket at least?” Each of them had a question. Sadness was all over their faces. Even little Jesu looked sad when he heard his older brothers speak about Lucette. “I have the same questions every day and every night,” I joined their talk, and then hugged Gabriel as if he was my sweet little sister Gabriela. “I often dream about Mama and Papa,” I added, “twice, my dream felt so real that I even talked to Mama out loud because I thought she was actually here.” I heard all the brothers sigh. We then said “good night” to each other, and settled in our small places on the floor. Gabriel scooted over to my spot more so than other nights.

I stayed awake for a while. I had many questions on my mind again. What will tomorrow be like? Will we get beds? Will they start giving us lunch? Will there be more food for dinner?

Will we ever get to see our families again? I really want to go back home.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 18, 2025

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February 26, 2025 · 11:46 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 16

February 6, 2025

After breakfast, all 6 of us formed a circle on the floor. “I wonder if we’ll get our beds today,” said Alejandro. Diego asked: “When was the announcement about them? I can’t remember exactly but it has been at least a few days.” None of us could remember exactly. Following the hotdog day when many of us got sick, it had become more difficult to sleep on the concrete floor. We were all looking forward to the day when the beds would arrive.

“I’m very thirsty,” said Gabriel. He couldn’t save his water until this evening as we were told yesterday. I offered him my bottle immediately. Jose told me to stop, “I have an idea,” he added, “let’s pour all our remaining water into two bottles. We will then distribute the same amount to each of us whenever needed.” We gave him our water bottles. He first took Gabriel’s empty bottle, and filled it up. There wasn’t much water left in the rest of the bottles. Jose poured all the remaining water into one bottle.

Gabriel said right away: “I am thirsty. Can I please have some water now?” Jose spoke: “We each will have an allowance of water.” Gabriel asked, “how much can I have?” Jose answered, “Go ahead, take sips to the count of four.”

My mind got stuck on the word “allowance,” and I thought about the money my parents gave me. They gave me 2 dollars every day for my school lunch, and 2 dollars for the weekends for my chores.

I always saved the money Mama and Papa gave me, then gave it all back to them on Sundays. I repeated that every week. “No, our darling Pedrito, you keep your allowance. One day, you might need that money. Keep it safe,” was Mama’s response every single time.

“Did you all get allowances from your parents?” I asked the brothers. “Yes, except for Jesu, since he doesn’t go to school yet,” Alejandro answered. Hearing that, Gabriel told us he didn’t get an allowance either, that he also will once he starts school.

I wish we all had our money with us so that we could buy more water and food.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 16, 2025

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February 25, 2025 · 11:38 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 15

February 5, 2025

I woke up to a quiet hangar. It looked like everyone was asleep. I thought of the baby. The last time I heard her cries was yesterday afternoon. Why would they take a baby from the mother? Babies need special care. I know it from Mama’s tender care of Gabriela. Who would separate a baby and a mother? Why?

All these questions on my mind stopped when I saw Gabriel’s arms stretched into the air. His eyes were still closed. “Mama, Papa, I’m cold. Hold me!” He was sleeping next to me. I hugged him tightly. “It’s okay, Gabriel. I’m here. Everything is going to be okay.” He opened his tearful eyes, sat up and hugged me back so very tightly. “We will be okay, right Pedrito?” He was looking intensely into my eyes. “Yes, Gabriel. Yes, we will be okay!”

“Gabriel, do you need to pee before breakfast?” I asked him. “Yes! I need to pee a lot!” We both rushed to the back gates and from there toward the boulder. The guards knew the drill. So, they let us be. I stood a little away from the boulder like I did other times. I wanted to give Gabriel some privacy. I took a few steps when Gabriel shrieked: “Pedrito, what is this white stuff? I’m so scared!” I then heard one of the guards answer him: “That’s to cover over your number 2s. Nothing to be scared about!”

When it was my turn, I told Gabriel to wait for me up close. The smell was still horrible but it wasn’t as strong as before.

On our way to the back gates, I saw two guards talking. One of them was the woman whom I saw soon after my arrival here, the same woman who was holding a crying baby in her arms. This time, she had some kind of a bundle in her arms. The man asked her: “What’s this?” She told him not to be that loud, then answered: “She died last night. She was miserable anyway. She wasn’t taking her bottle anymore.”

I so wished I hadn’t heard all this. Worse! Gabriel also heard everything. I held his hand and hurried back to our corner. “Pedrito, what does ‘died’ mean?” I tried to hide my sadness from him but he saw it on my entire face. I quickly changed the subject: “Are you hungry, Gabriel? Breakfast will be soon. I am so very hungry!” He didn’t repeat his question, he answered mine: “Yes, Pedrito! I am very hungry!”

After all of us got our usual food and Gabriel was already eating his, I whispered to Alejandro’s ear: “Remember the baby that was crying a lot? She died last night. Gabriel heard the guards but I distracted him. You will tell your brothers, right?” Alejandro whispered the sad news into Diego’s ears. He did the same to Jose. They always treated Jesu, their youngest, like Gabriel. So, Jesu was saved from finding out the baby’s death.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 5, 2025

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February 24, 2025 · 11:29 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 14

February 4, 2025

I was feeling very tired and cold. I lied down but not on my blanket like I did almost every night so far. I put it over me this time. My body was aching all over. The cold concrete floor made me ache even more. I badly needed to sleep. In my sleep, I wouldn’t feel the cold. Also, maybe I could dream about Mama again.

I woke up to my little friend’s voice: “Pedrito, we are all going to the boulder. Do you need to pee?” I hadn’t eaten anything, and I didn’t drink from my water. “No, Gabriel. Thank you. You all go ahead. I’m going to try to sleep more.” Gabriel rushed to the brothers with a quick “You’re welcome!”

I fell asleep again. “Pedrito, my darling, are you okay?” Mama was in my dream again. “Mama, I feel sick,” I told her. “My poor darling! Think about your warm bed in our home, and remember how I took care of you and Gabriela whenever both of you were sick.” I woke up with tears on my face. I remembered how Mama would make us a delicious winter soup when my sister and I were sick at the same time. She would sit by us until we finished the thick soup, then she would cover us with our thick comforters.

I looked at the puny blanket over me. The cement floor was making me feel very cold all over again. How was Gabriela doing, I wondered. Was she eating? Was she sleeping? Did she have children by her who were caring like the brothers? I felt desperate to see her but there was nothing I could do.

I just could not understand why people were doing this to our family. Who was doing this? Why were Mama and Papa taken away from Gabriela and me? Why couldn’t Gabriela and me stay together? Why do we have to sleep on the floor? Why do we have to use the big boulder as a toilet? Why are we not getting regular food? When is this all going to end?

My tears flooded down my chin.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 14, 2025

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February 23, 2025 · 11:22 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 13

February 3, 2025

“Pedrito, time to sleep, my darling.” I was crying all night long. I sat up, looked around but couldn’t see Mama. It was her voice. “Mama, where are you? I missed you so very much!” I heard her voice again: “My darling Pedrito, we are all fine, your Papa, me, and your little sister.” I stood up and looked around again. Mama wasn’t anywhere. I started crying harder. I must have dreamed the whole thing. How could she be here? I saw how she and Papa were forced out of the van that night. I also saw how Gabriela and I were harshly separated from each other.

I lied down. All I could hear now was my sobbing. I closed my eyes tightly and hoped to have the same dream. The next thing I know was the loud announcement on the megaphone. We were told to form our lines for breakfast. My stomach was still hurting, not too much, just a little. I didn’t know if I could eat anything.

The brothers were all ready to do their daily walk toward food. Gabriel was still asleep. I gently touched him on the shoulder and told him that we had to get our breakfast. He had a hard time first gathering himself but then he was quickly ready to get on his feet. I picked up my food to give it to Gabriel in our corner.

While the brothers and my little friend were eating, another announcement came through the megaphone: “ATTENTION EVERYONE! Today, army cot beds might be delivered. We’ll tell you if they arrive as scheduled. Be ready for further instructions!”

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 13, 2025

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February 22, 2025 · 11:07 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 12

February 2, 2025

Soon after dinner, my stomach started to hurt. I asked everyone in our group if they noticed anything strange. Everyone answered with a “yes,” except for Gabriel who still had not eaten his hotdog. We all were given a hot dog, a slice of bread and a bottle of water for dinner. The guards told us the water had to last until tomorrow evening.

We started having cramps. There was loud moaning in the entire hangar. It looked like many of us children were getting sick. I was terrified when I felt a number 2 coming on. I rushed toward the back gates but saw that there were many other children already in line. My stomach was hurting very badly from holding it in and I saw that I was not the only one.

By the time my turn came, I ran to the boulder as fast as I could. The smell was terrible. It was much worse than after our pee sessions but I didn’t care. I just was glad that I didn’t poop in my pajamas.

Before I returned to my usual spot, an announcement came through the megaphone: “Listen carefully! If you didn’t eat your hotdog yet, DO NOT EAT IT! Many among you had a problem with their hotdogs. So, DO NOT EAT YOURS!”

I was relieved to know all along that Gabriel was still holding his hotdog in his hand. Being so little, he might have gotten sicker than we older children did.

A little while later, my stomach wasn’t hurting as much anymore. All 6 of us sipped from our water bottles. We took only a few sips. We knew the water had to last us until tomorrow evening. We said each other “good night” and tried to fall asleep on our empty stomachs.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 10, 2025

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February 13, 2025 · 10:26 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 11

February 1, 2025

When we heard the dinner announcement through the megaphone in the evening, we formed our line quickly. It looked like everyone was ready to eat. We saw Mr. Matias and walked toward his table as he instructed us earlier in the day. “Hello there, Gabriel and Gabriel’s big brothers,” he said and padded our little friend’s head. Just then, a big big dog appeared from behind Mr. Matias. Gabriel jumped up and moved fast away from the table. I, too, was scared but stood where I was so that my little friend wouldn’t be more afraid. “This is Daisy. She is a big dog but unless you scare her, she won’t do anything to you. She is very gentle. I adopted her as a pup for my son when he was 5.”

“What kind of a dog is she, Mr. Matias?” Diego asked. “Golden Retriever,” answered the guard, then asked us, “Do you want to pat her? But only on the head.” Alejandro, Diego and me carefully patted Daisy. She just looked at us without moving a bit. Then I felt a pull on my pajamas. It was Gabriel. He was no longer hiding behind my back but rather was now right by my side. Softly, he asked me, “Can I also pat Daisy?” Mr. Matias heard him, held the dog’s leash a little tighter, and told Gabriel to go over to him. Daisy reacted very different to Gabriel, she rubbed her head against his little body. First, Gabriel looked afraid, but then saw that Daisy was totally gentle with him. “Can I please give her a hug, Mr. Matias?” A smile appeared on the guard’s face when he answered, “Of course! Go ahead! She’d like it.”

Gabriel looked at each one of us older boys, as if he needed our okay. We all gave him a thumbs up. He hugged Daisy for so long that we thought he had a family dog waiting for him at home.

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 10, 2025

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February 12, 2025 · 10:19 pm

Pedrito’s 30 Days with ICE.Fictional Memoir

Pedrito’s Diary, Day 10

Friday, January 31, 2025

With his little hand, my new friend, Gabriel, signaled to me to bend down. Before I bent down to his eye level, I noticed that he had twisted his legs. “Brother Pedrito, I have to pee.” (This beautiful little boy with huge brown eyes had started calling each of us by our names but always adding “brother” to them.) I knew exactly what to do anymore. I held his hand and walked him toward the back gates. I told him, “Gabriel, it won’t be easy at first but then you will get used to it. Just remember that there will be a very bad smell.” He looked at me and just nodded his head.

The same man who gave us food and blanket earlier this morning was at the back of the hangar this time. I saw his name badge, Matias. “Mr. Matias, Sir, this is Gabriel. He needs to pee.” The man’s reply was friendly: “I remember the two of you. Come on, little guy, I’ll show you where you must go.” Just like Alejandro had waited for me on my first walk to the boulder, now it was my turn to make Gabriel feel alright.

When Gabriel returned with Mr. Matias by his side, he thanked him 3 times. Maybe his Mama and Papa taught him to do that. I also thanked the guard. “Gabriel,” he said, “I will be at one of the tables in the front this evening, giving out food. Make sure to come to me if you go there alone. You need to eat what you get not to get sick. OK?” “Okay,” answered Gabriel, and thanked the guard 3 more times.

Having passed his peeing outside test, Gabriel looked very relaxed, almost happy. “Mr. Matias is very nice. He helped me get to a big rock outside. He then turned around. I peed all by myself.” We all applauded Gabriel, “Bravo! You now are a member of our group, The 6 Brothers Club.”

Gabriel giggled for at least a few minutes. His little face lit up. He was beaming with pride. “When I am with Mama and Papa again, I am going to tell them right away! They will be so proud of me.”

© hülya n. yılmaz, February 9, 2025

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